Torture, because I kept seeing her day after day after day. It is like when you hear a word that you never knew the meaning of before, and for a week after you hear it all the time. In conversations, it comes up and on television and it makes your attention focus on it. You cannot get it out of your head and it grows. You hear it enough you get sick of it. The word loses all meaning.

                When I would see her in the hall I turned away not wanting to see her face. When the thoughts flashed to my forward thinking, I began to bury it in the back of my head. Did not push the thoughts away completely. I just tried to lock them up. Ashley was still my obsession, but now it was a different type. I began to resent her but the fact that I still wanted her made it grow and grow. It was like throwing fuel on a fire that was already way out of control.

                Call it anger and call it another sin.

                I do not want to recount all the things that I have done to her. Besides the spreading of that rumor, there were more that followed. There were also sly comments and some just plain cruel. Ashley was not a quiet victim in it by any means. She fought back much like she did today, but it was not very direct toward me just like I was not her only tormentor. She had a pack of us on her at all times. The sick thing was that the more we bothered each other the more I came back at her. It was like a need that could not be satiated, but the mere thought that she would spend any exertion of energy getting retribution comforted me for a time. Any attention was good attention, and I really do not know when that got so twisted so do not even try to figure it.

Count other sins against me. Gluttony or Greed

But really, this is not very important. What are the thoughts of some brain dead blonde cheerleader? What have all the days I have been alive meant? The most interesting thing that has happened was being sexually attracted to a girl that now hates my very being. I really do not matter. Nothing I do matters either, and that was what I began to tell myself on my ride home after spending time with Madison and Natalie. On my way home, after I told them and the date they found me that I would not be attending the home coming dance.