I take my glass and sit down on the couch.

I mean, honestly what can possibly happen in a small pub at lunchtime here in L.A.? Oh well, a lot, because they threw me out. Admitted, I shouldn’t have shouted at the guy next to me and „You are a fucking asshole!“ I could also have kept back and if he had not grinned that silly, I wouldn’t have tipped my salad over his expensive designer suit, but honestly, did he really had to answer his fucking cell phone and discuss his upset marriage loudly next to me with probably his best friend? I mean, I just escaped the thing and now here and just in the most unimportant pub in L.A. which I know. On the way back it sarcastically started to rain and a little boy holding ice-cream bumped into me on the sidewalk. Great, this was probably the punishment for the custom-made suit.

Like a lion in its cage I walk up and down.

What a crazy day. Oh, how much have I hoped on the way home that you would be here now, take me into your arms, massage my feet and bring me a milk shake. Like a thunderstorm you hover through my mind. I’m sitting here in my home which used to be our home once, here we have laughed and cried, solved problems and comforted our friends, and here we have loved each other. And when I close my eyes, I still feel this love. The indescribable warmth which you are able to emit has caught me on days like these. And I can feel how happy we were, how perfect our teamwork of individuality, career and family was. You were so strong, so strong for yourself, so strong for me and even stronger for us both. Maybe this was too much for you; maybe you also wanted to be weak in my arms sometimes. Did I not give enough to you, Bette, not enough stability, not enough love? How much do I wish, you would know how deep my love for you is really and how happy I was having you. Oh, would I just have told you more often that my life and my being was only completed by you, that you made me perfect and turned me into the person of which I would not even have dreamed of. You were so much, were everything, and were still more…

are gone!

Can you hear this, Bette? Listen carefully …

It’s quiet in here, pleasantly quiet, nothing what can disturb this silence now, so I have switched off the phone already as a precaution, oh, this infinite silence, how soothing, how relaxing. Not a sound to be heard. No cars, no steps, no dog barking and most important of all no phone rings. It is this kind of silence which wraps everything, which fills the room like white fog falling to the earth in the morning hours. It must be so quiet in space where only darkness would surround me. So quiet that you would hear a single hair falling to the ground and whose loud bounce would make you wince. And when I close my eyes now, I will forget, I will let myself fall into this silence and no ground will stop me, I fly around the room and there is no time, no thoughts, and no pain. I am alone, alone, alone

ALONE?

A feeling of fear crawls into my body. Am I still here or have I already escaped from reality? What if there’s no way back anymore? What if nobody stops me? What if you’ll come back home – will you be able to see me? Back, I have to go back, back to myself?

Yell, I have to yell. It chokes me, air, I need air. I bang open the door, run out on the street.

„I’M HERE, BETTE, HERE! “