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I Don’t Want to Cry Anymore
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“Each night, just about sunset
I watch you passing my door
It’s all I can do
Not to run to you
‘Cause I don’t want to cry anymore
Nighttime, when there is moonlight
The same old moon I knew before
It’s all I can do
Not to run to you
‘Cause I don’t want to cry anymore
All that I know about happiness
I found just being with you
Then I would find myself losing my mind
Over some careless thing you would do”
Maybe a half-truth is worse than a lie. I’ve been living a half-truth. I’m not sure I was left with a choice. What I was left with was half a heart, half a home, half of my love, a halftime with my daughter. A half existence. But a new drive, one that had to be only for me. One that can’t include her anymore, where I’d always done it for only her, though I suppose, looking back, it never seemed like it.
How many times am I going to rehash this? I told her I’d found closure. I didn’t lie. I’ve found the acceptance associated with it, the knowledge that I need to move on with my life. But I haven’t grasped the letting go. The eradication of the strong feelings always elicited by her. A half closure to match my half existence. A half-truth itself.
As much as I almost can’t stand to let go, as much as I so desperately want to cling to the hope that someday, some way she’ll find her way back to me again, I have to try. The silence won’t do me good anymore. The absence of sound becomes the sound itself. The deafening silence at night when the neighborhood has gone quiet is crushing. The emptiness is conquering more than just the house that used to come alive with her mere presence. It’s too much.
And now these feelings again. This longing to make another person more solidly a part of my life. I never expected to feel this way again and certainly not so soon. I can almost begin to breathe again. Can feel myself coming back to… myself. I’ve begun to feel like me again. Not the half existence, half a being I’d become over the last few years, but the one who’s desirable again. Honestly, the one Tina fell in love with. I can hold my head up again, can stand erect. Feel pride in my accomplishments. I see the small, beautiful moments again.
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Dear friend and fellow TiBetter, what can I say? I think you nailed her! Isn’t it truth that the deepest emotion hide within an alpha-character? those who portray so strong are usually the one gone through the most pain… I love how you put her doubt and fears in and presented them to us… Pls tell us more! Love, JLBT
NY, I think you captured her feelings. I could feel the emotions as I was reading this. You are an excellent writer, so do not every doubt yourself my friend. I can’t wait to see your next post. Three days and counting!
In my mind eyes Not jodie and Bette. It just not there for them. Right now she might be good for Bette she is getting out but she needs some one to love her like she is not like they want her to be. thanks
i really like this…it makes me sad…but i really like it; and i realy like ur writing…and i am the same way…usualy songs and lyrics inspire me to write…a lot! lol
makes me sad too because bette might let go of tina completely to be with jodie but jodie will be al wrong for her in end and bette might lose on her true love
Excuse me, I thought you said you couldn’t write through Bette’s eyes? Wow…that was deep. And yes- Tina- she was Bette’s first real love- she should be her last and forever- if not- then we’ll accept Helena ok :) Great chapter babe- I hope these don’t remain one shots- there’s so much potential…I hope you take us places.
I’m first? Nice.What can I say? If it’s Bette, it’s game. Can we expect a cameo from Bette’s arm in the one with Tina’s POV? Pretty please? With whipped cream on top?
Wonderful chapter. I think we all know who Bette will end up with, but, at the same time, it’s Jodi who’s to thank for bringing Bette back to life. We haven’t seen her like this for a long time, I’m glad Jodi made her feel again, led her away from the half existence, using your terms. Really liked it. Looking forward to more from you.
At first, I was like, okay with Bette and Jodi… Bette was letting go, moving on. It was sad to see, but I was glad in a way. But now… I’ve got a glimmer of hope, just a glimmer, and I’m more than ready to see the back of Jodi now. That being said, Bette did need a change of perspective, because she was floundering, and Jodi helped her get there. Excellent post, NY, as ever. Thanks
Never think of it as sad if you always use song titles as FF titles. As a music major I’m telling you it’s okay. lol I can’t write for Bette very well either. She becomes a big dork or something when I write her. =O I don’t want Bette to let Jodi in too deep (emotionally, you perverts although physically it sounds like they’ve gone there…TMI). Not because Jodi isn’t Tina, but because I see a massive heartbreak happening.
Well, Ny, you have the goods….the writing talent. I can appreciate what Jodi has done for Bette as far as feeling her emotions again BUT I’m a TiBetter until the end. When they are together on the show , they have great chemistry but I don’t know if Tina appreciated Bette’s interference at The Planet w/the agents. Tina looked as if she wanted to say more but Bette barged in to protect her. Tina’s a big girl and needs to defend herself but old habits die hard.PPS.
Which version do you like better? Billie Holiday’s or Mel Torme’s or Mark Murphy’s?????
Hia NY, mmm, I like these one-offs of yours. I’ve always wondered if it’s possible to be in love with two people at the same time. This story brought me a little closer to forming an opinion… Thanks, NY… I’m so happy that you keep posting LOL.
Sometimes I so much like Bette, like holding on forever. Not the Alpha type person but definitely the holding on person. Never quite letting go of the one that you love, that hurt you beyond reason. I guess that is why Tina still appeals to me because just like Bette we are unable to let go of our own heart and fill it up with someone else.
again, just catching up, wonderfully written…and I agree Bette to me is not easy to write…cuz she’s not a straight-A alpha maybe????