Her panicked thoughts were put on hold, as she felt Dodger’s hip and left arm bumping into her at an awkward pace as he danced absentmindedly to the music, any sense of rhythm obviously not his primary concern.

He was so endearing and supportive that Ashley wished she could wrap her fingers in his and lean up and kiss him on the mouth, letting him return the kiss, allowing the warmth from his body to fill her with desire. She almost felt guilty that she just could not love or desire Dodger in that fashion. If only his smile would make her heart flutter…but then she wouldn’t be standing in this spot, against some lame ass wallpaper at a party, about to face the demons that had been taunting her for so long.

As if on cue, bodies parted and she saw Spencer. The girl held two cups, one in each hand, her hair covering the left side of her face. Perhaps sensing Ashley’s stare, Spencer’s head glanced briefly in her direction. Ashley averted her eyes, fearful her cover had been blown before she had time to prepare her course of action. Giggles erupted to her left, as a group of cheerleaders stumbled drunkenly against one another, rooting on Beth Martin who was busy applying magic marker to some guy’s forehead.

Dodger squeezed her pinky finger and rolled his eyes at the squealing girls, his head darting up as the sound of glass breaking seemed to be coming from the kitchen.

He leaned down to Ashley’s ear, not wanting to interrupt her thoughts, but wondering if she wanted a beer, yet she emerged suddenly in front of him, her eyes dark and her jaw clenched.

The music had become louder, the thickness in the air almost a slight fog. Sweat dripped down the backs of Ashley’s legs, the droplets somehow making their way through the tight stitching of her jeans. She saw straight through Dodger, to the flowers on the wall, her fingers curling onto a fist, wanting to punch the wall with all her might, smashing the flowers to a pulp, wanting them to know she would not take the bait.

Prickly tears fired a warning shot, forcing her to swallow them back down. Her chest ached, like after the time her father used her stomach for a punching bag, the punishment for adding too much salt to the mash potatoes. The patterns on Dodger’s shirt morphed into her fort, the one she made in Florida, her secret refuge from endless shouting matches and barren streets, where the stories flowed from her pen, and she drank tea with the bourgeoisie and slept on a barge on its way up The Nile.

A bead of sweat formed on her eyebrow. A finger reached up to wipe it away, only to trace the tiny scar beneath, from when she fell from her bike when she was fourteen. Gravel had embedded in her forehead, the pain overwhelming. Spencer had dug it out with tweezers as they sat on her bathroom floor. Ashley had to sit on her hands to keep them from shaking, adrenalin still flooding her veins after the nasty fall. She had walked her bike home, careful to stay on the sidewalk, counting how many lines in the cement resided between Spencer’s house and hers. She could then lie in her bed at night, knowing that no matter how lonely she felt, Spencer was only 345 horizontal lines away. Every day she traversed this path, she counted the lines, hoping they would erode away into nothing, or even diminish in size, until Spencer was lying next to her, her arm around her waist, her breath on the back of her neck, joining her in her dreams, where they could both swim through some deep blue ocean, or sit together on some rock overlooking the mountains.

These thoughts traversed through Ashley’s mind as quickly as they had emerged. Even her present thoughts, at this very party, at this very moment, had transformed into fantasy of epic proportions. It was as if her mind could not exist in reality without being lured into a deeper realm, a child’s fantastic world. This couldn’t continue. Not anymore.

Dodger cleared his throat, his eyes full of worry, knowing that Ashley’s thoughts had left, but not quite sure where they had gone. He had never been totally sure. He let out a relived sigh when Ashley’s lips curled upward and she spoke through her smile.

“I’m going to get some air outside.”