”Was mom cremated?” …..Dina nodded. Kirsten looked down at her cold cup of kool-aid…her sister’s went untouched. The light in her small apartment was ashy, so it gave it a twilight feel, a little ominous but comfortable, Kirsten kept it at that light for years. the air had the faint scent of *****, an aftereffect of her and Bette’s pure unabated *****. Something that lasted for days it seemed, till Kirsten’s thighs ached and she could hardly walk. She wondered vaguely if her sister could smell it. Dina looked up and keeping her older sister’s eyes asked for a smoke. Kirsten dug in her pocket for one, she didn’t smoke but had a bad habit of picking up butts. Dina didn’t mind, she took the longest one and lighted up. She didn’t ask permission and Kirsten took this as a sign of hostility, or maybe weariness. After so many years, so many ***** years of yearning to go back and rescue Dina, toget her little sister…..gone. Now she was confronted with the reality that Dina wasn’t little anymore. Kirsten didn’t even bother asking how Dina found her. They sat in silence for a few minutes. All they had said to each other was a “hello”…..then Kirsten’s question and dina’s non-verbal answer. Kirsten had so much to say, so many questions….she wanted to get on her kness and beg for forgiveness. She knew Dina made the effort to find her because of what happned all those years ago…..Kirsten throwing her fist at mom then leaving. Not going back into the room and quietly waking little Dina, not taking her away with her…but leaving without saying goodbye without saying anything. Kirsten couldn’t have taken her anyway. But try saying that, try saying to your little sister that you had no choice but to desert her, had to make dina go through waking up and wondering where Kirsten went. Kirsten knew Dina suffered, she looked like she did. Kirsten could feel it. They just sat there, the air getting cloudy with smoke…Kirsten tried not to cough…..Dina puffed and stared into her kool-aid, not drinking it. It was obvious Dina had so much to say also. But like Kirsten she could’t seem to get it out. There was hardly no explanation to explain a moment like this.

 Eventually Dina’s cigarette burned out and we were left with a clearing, a space between us free of the cancer fog. there were terrible dark smudges under Dina’s eyes…Kirsten got up and at once there was a guard in those eyes, guarded. But kirsten just opened the fridge and fixed up a plate of food, heated it up and came back to the table…Dina spent the entire time sitting in her chair. Kirsten was struck how still she was, how tired. She wanted to reach out and hug her, but she couldn’t, didn’t…was afraid of Dina, afraid to touch her. she was ashamed of herself.

 Dina ate vorciously, dipping her bread in the beans, scooping it up, soaking it in the bread and opening her mouth wide to gobble it up. Occaisonally taking a bite out of the sausage, occasionally taking a sip of water Kirsten put in front of her..she never did touch the kool-aid. Once during her eating Dina looked up at Kirsten and Kirsten swore she saw the faint hint of a smile, and then a tear slid down Dina’s cheek into her plate of food. But the moment was gone before Kirsten’s brain realized it was there. Dina scooped up her food, her tears churned in it, and chewed and swallowed and was done. Dina slid out of her chair and got up, wiped her mouth with the sleeve of her shirt. Kirsten stood up too….Dina walked to the door and turned around…and Kirsten saw that little Dina had grown up, it was impossible, it was possible, it was sad, it was inevitable. Dina looked at her and spoke………..”I’ll never *****’ forgive you” and left.

 Kirsten spent the rest of the night at the table staring at the kool-aid. She really needed Bette at that moment, not to tell what happened…but to be held.