Chapter 10 – Tina’s diary.

It’s been nearly a week since Bette appeared out of nowhere. The first I knew of Bette being back in LA was when I went by the house on Saturday night. Normally I would go on Sunday. I’ve being going by the house once a week to maintain the upkeep but I had two other main motivations. It gave me a sense of being with Bette and a chance for Laurel to get to know Bette, even if it was indirectly. The truth is, that is home. I guess I’d always secretly hoped Bette would return and if not want me, at least want to be part of our daughter’s life. I limited myself to once a week because I also understood I had no idea if or when Bette was coming home and if she did what she might want in regards to Laurel and me. I had to move forward as well. It took me a long time to admit to myself I still wanted Bette in my life. I always loved Bette but for the longest time it seemed I could never chance my heart again with her. When I first found out about the affair, I was devastated, anything beyond what I could have imagined, hurt and angry beyond any meaning I’d known. I thought Bette and I were solid, sure we’d hard a hard time but I didn’t have any idea how much Bette was struggling. Bette had no idea that I was trying to conceive again. I was doing it to surprise her, she didn’t do so well after the first miscarriage so I wanted to make this a surprise. Now I look back on it, I don’t know what I would have done if I’d had a miscarriage again. I admit I made mistakes and I know Bette would say she did too. We never really had a chance to talk about it, any of it. I guess with hindsight I realize all the things I didn’t know, how Bette was nearly fired when she was feeling the strain to support us, how there were protestors out the front of our house on the night of the miscarriage, how shutting Bette out hurt her and  how deeply the loss of our child affected her. I was angry not that just Bette had and affair and that we’d all had to listen to her rants about monogamy, but equally as angry because she kept seeing the carpenter after I found out. True, I left, but what choice did either of us have ? That last night together, we’ve never talked about it, Bette how can that be ? By the time Bette got rid of the carpenter I was royally pissed, let’s be honest who wouldn’t be. I’ll give Bette her due though, when she does something, it’s whole heartedly and she put heart and soul into winning me back. Bette so wanted me back and I wondered which Tina she wanted, Tina her wife or Tina her partner, equal, best friend, lover. It didn’t matter, I was in no space to be going back to her, at the time I didn’t know it but it would not have worked. I dated Helena for awhile and although I never acknowledged it to Bette, I knew it was ***** for her. Helena was insidious, where Bette turned, Helena‘s money had bought Helena a way in. Just as well it can’t buy one’s heart. Bette tried to apologise, she tried to be my friend, I saw her even try and be patient with Helena. All the while I knew it was breaking her spirit. Little did she know it was breaking mine too. I remember masturbating and crying thinking about Bette. I knew Bette drank too much and smoked and no doubt there were the one nights stands, yes I still know her that well. Gradually she sorted things out with the girls, she’d had a tough time with them too, especially Alice. Bette seemed willing to be the pariah, she never denied doing wrong and she never complained about being held to the high standards she set for everyone else. Then one morning I woke and I just had this feeling, the same feeling I had when she returned, like some part of me was missing or returned as it maybe. The phone calls had slowed over time from Bette and Bette had stopped trying to tell me she loved me after she found out about Helena. Bette’s eyes always betrayed her, they still do today. I knew she hoped though, I could see it in her eyes. But one day, the phone calls, the flowers, they just stopped. If the girls knew Bette had left, no one said, probably only Kit knew. After a week of them stopping I went to the house, why I can’t say specifically I went on that day just like I can’t say why I went on a Saturday night instead of Sunday. I knew Bette was gone, she’d taken virtually nothing, she left a brief note. When Bette came home I guess  I hadn’t really planned on going inside, I was just driving past to see if everything was OK at the house. As you do when something is important to you, you notice the smallest detail. A pot plant and doggie leash. Oddly enough, as unBette like as it seemed I knew it was her. She was home, and that was the key, she was trying to make a home. I got in the car, I got out the car, I got in the car, I got out the car, on and on it went. The worst thing was I started to worry about her, I knew she wouldn’t buy food or cook, was she eating, was she OK ? Where had she been all this time, suddenly the odd postcard she’d sent took on new meaning. What I could never have guessed was that she would come around, to my place, so soon. And Sam being there. It doesn’t seem Bette made the connection until we were at Dana’s party. Sam is good friend of mine, and I admit, occasional lover. I girl is not a camel. Sam is attractive and smart and she is great with Laurel. I sometimes wonder if Sam wants more. I explained to her that, more is not possible but I never told her anything about Bette and I. Anything she knows she got from another source. It would have been in my mind a betrayal to Bette to compare our life to mine now, with another lover. The truth is, Sam is just not Bette. It is that simple. I love the way Bette bought the fluffiest white puppie and named it choco. That’s my Bette. I am one of the few people who seen the soft side to Bette or the quirkieness she sometimes has. Now I look back on it, I see those things disappeared in the dying stages of our relationship. When I was at the house I saw the art Bette had collected but I did not look through it. If Bette wanted to share that with me she would have invited me to look at it. I also noticed the way Bette covered up the photo of her on the ferry. The thing that stood out was Bette wearing her wedding ring on a chain. Too late Bette, I’d seen the photo.