The early morning sun flashed through the blinds that Alice, in her concern for Tina’s distress, had forgotten to shut.  It was these rays of sunshine beating through the window that brought Tina out of her deep slumber and in that delicious moment of semi-consciousness, between sleep and waking, it was much like any other morning for her.  Then it hit her.  At first it was disorientation – What was she doing here?  In this alien bed.  Where was Bette?  Why was she alone?  And then there it was the sudden loss of breath.  The pain of being totally knocked sideways so that the air is thrown up out of your lungs and every breath is a fight.  Your chest tightens and you feel like you’ll never be able to catch your breath ever again.  In that moment, in Alice‘s bed, the pain was almost worse than the first time, when she had seen them together at the Provocations opening.  Another woman touching Bette with an intimacy and in a way that, until that instant, she had assumed was reserved for her only.  The feeling was unfamiliar to her, a fresh wound that was painful and yet numbing at the same time.  She absentmindedly rubbed her stomach, a subconscious act of comfort.  Then her mind collided with consciousness a second time and she thought about the baby she no longer nourished inside her, that she could no longer take comfort in or protect or anticipate.  The little boy she lost.  It was then that she realised she was crying, and before she could stop herself the cries turned into sobs.  Sobs that she could not control that made her heart ache but were also cathartic, as though through her tears she was releasing the pain that was inside her.  That thought made her think about the phrase people use when trying to comfort someone;  “Let it all out.”  People say that to each all other all the time and Tina knew she’d said it herself in the past but until now she hadn’t realised its true meaning.

The silence was deafening, and it made her feel like there was no one else in the world for her to reach out to, no one to comfort her pain.  Then she heard a soft tapping on the door.  The door opened slowly and Alice cautiously popped her head in.  She saw Tina sitting in the middle of her bed with tears rolling down her face and looking so lost, lonely and in pain.  Alice didn’t say a word; she quickly crossed the room and took Tina up in an embracing hug.  As Alice held Tina she felt so unsettled.  This person was not the Tina she knew.  It was strange to see Tina like this, so vulnerable and so completely broken.  It was something she never thought she’d see.  Although many people thought of Bette as the strong one and Tina as the weaker partner Alice knew that in many ways Tina was the strong one.  Certainly within the group Tina was the strong mother figure, the one who was constantly fixing problems and giving out sound advice.  It was strange and also a little scary, Tina was struggling for each breath in between her sobs and Alice feared that Tina might make herself ill if she didn’t calm down and steady her breathing.  Alice sat with Tina, trying to comfort and calm her until her sobs finally subsided.