Bette hopped in her car anxious to wend her way south to face her past, her mind actively ruminating different reactions she imagined a select few would have to her homecoming. She had continually reflected the significance of her return ever since the urge to embrace the life she left behind consumed her. She was keen to the fact her surreptitious exit was not taken lightly by anyone in her tight community, least of all, by Tina. Work was easy enough to dismiss, but the loved ones she ended up leaving behind taxed her heart and conscious that first year.

Now 22 months later, she was eager to revisit the people she loved most in the world, yet tentative all the same. Will all be forgiven? Bette questioned, when thoughts of her friends came into light. Will they still consider themselves as friends to me? Both these doubts lingered in and out of her mind for a good hour as an unsettling feeling started to stir up the cobwebs of insecurity. She knew better than to ask the same with regards to Tina. She already had a sinking feeling that Tina would never forgive her, not just for her infidelity, but also for the fact she left town without resolving anything between them. As Bette thought more about these doubts, she started to feel herself second guessing her decision, thinking maybe it was a mistake, perhaps brash to assume a life back in LA would be possible. She was, after all, going back unannounced. A flashback memory of cowardice taunted Bette at the realization that her quiet return is identical to her departure. All of a sudden, the urge to turn around was undeniable as panic started to take hold. Fortunately for her, this section of HWY 101 didnt offer any convenient exits. Fate is seemed was forcing its hand. No turnaround in sight, Bette managed to rein in her panicked emotions by using a tool she learned from one of her session with Dr. Wright. Breathe, Bettejust breathe. She coached herself, remembering to count to ten with every breath. After a while, the exercise successfully assuaged her anxieties. Her nerves restored, Bette thought back to events that occurred during the time she left.


**********
Although the initial two weeks in Oregon were spent with daily introspection over what her life had become, they went by quicker than Bette had wanted. The trip was the kind of reprieve she needed from the ongoing judgment she felt projected her way. With no friends around to condemn her for her actions, no hours spent wasted at her desk miring in the self-loathing, no seizing fear that shed accidentally run into any of her friends anywhere, especially at The Planet, Bette was able to clear her mind to openly reflect on the changes that occurred in her life. She didnt want to compartmentalize her feeling, but did need the physical and mental space in order to review them one by one.

One of the first memories that came to mind was The Planet, when she braved to continue her morning ritual before heading into work. The brief outings at the caf turned out to be somewhat of a blessing for Bette, as trying as the first month was in every other aspect of her life.

After Tina left her like a thief in the night, Bette sequestered herself in the house for three days. She was a wreck and in no shape to deal with work or anyone else for that matter. Her only efforts to make contact with the outside world were through her failed attempts to reach Tina on the phone. Other than that, she did nothing but wallow in her grief as memories of happier times overwhelmed her when she would meander from room to room. The only sounds in the house were her periodic uncontrollable cries and the occasional phone calls from Kit, who knew nothing that was going on and from James, whose messages asked whether she would be coming into work that day.

On the fourth day, she knew she couldnt avoid her job any longer and felt bad for placing James in tight spot of having to cover up for her absence. At 7:00 A.M. she willed herself to get out of bed and ready for work, her movements completely perfunctory, her only motivation, a tall vanilla latte she would pick up on the way in.

Bette was about to step into the bustling caf full of trepidation. The back of her mind tried to reassure her no one of importance would be around at this hour, but still the fear loomed in her head. Determined to satisfy her caffeine craving, but also needing to prove to herself that she could face whatever would be waiting for her on the other side of the door (she surmised the community rumor mill was already well greased with details of her breakup), she timidly entered The Planet and took her place in the short line.

When she reached the counter, Bette was somewhat surprised by Marinas unexpected support. Bette, how are you doing? Im sorry to hear what happened. Bette gave only a shrug of her shoulders hoping the automatic tears forming in her eyes would be all the answer she needed. Marina looked thoughtfully at her, thinking how small Bette appeared. She leaned in closer and softly spoke, Bette, we all make mistakes. If ever you need a shoulder, just know that Im here. Bette felt unworthy of the sincerity in Marianas gaze. She looked away trying to keep her tears at bay.

She couldnt believe that Marina was more forgiving to Bette than Bette had been towards her for her involvement in the whole Jenny and Tim fiasco. There was no consideration or any sympathy in her condemnation of Marina, likening her to a lascivious she-devil on the hunt for a new babe. After the confrontation with Marina didnt end her solicitous ways, Bette had little tolerance and even less respect for Marinas duplicitous behavior. She stood resolute behind her conviction that duplicity was morally repugnant. Where was this conviction now? She thought as Marina stood in front of her wearing a warm smile and gently holding her hands? Looking into Marinas eyes, Bette was starting to understand the reasons behind the gesture. Slowly, Bette realized something about herself, that vanity was not her token, although there was no denying the girl could clean up well when inspired, and shed had her fair share of game in her younger days. No, it was painfully becoming clear that self-righteousness was her Achilles heal. Only now was she fully able to see this while accepting the generosity Marina freely proffered her.

Bette developed a renewed respect and appreciation for Marina, regretting the little credit she granted her before. The mornings she ventured into The Planet after coming out of hiding meant a lot to Bette. She savored the momentary encounters with Marina, relieved to temporarily escape the depression that she was beginning to wear as a second skin.
**********


Nick Drake started to play in the CD player. Bette turned up the volume for One of These Things First preparing herself to sing along. It was one of her favorites. Nick was one of the few discoveries she was grateful for her stay in Portland. She had never heard his music before, either in LA or in Chicago, which she chalked up to never having been in right cafs”his wasnt necessarily the kind of music The Planet would play. Portland however seemed to favor his sounds, which could be heard often on the radio and in coffee shops serving disparate clienteles. She immediately fell in love with Nicks music when Pink Moon floated down from the rafters of Verite Coffee, her adopted establishment, to her unsuspecting ears. The simplicity of his lyrics, the melodic rhythms and Nicks harrowing voice beckoned her. She went out and bought several of his albums the next day.

It wasnt until she sang the second verse did she pay attention to what Nick was actually singing. She rewound the song and mentally paused at the relevance of his words.

.
.
.
I could have been your pillar, could have been your door
I could have stayed beside you, could have stayed for more.
Could have been your statue, could have been your friend,
A whole long lifetime could have been the end.
I could be yours so true
I would be, I should be through and through
I could have been
One of these things first
I could have been
One of these things first.
.
.
.


Bettes thoughts turned to Tina suddenly, no longer able to avoid her. She was disappointed she hadnt made it to at least San Francisco before delving into any serious Tina reflection as she had hoped. Bette sighed out loud knowing that her heart had ultimately betrayed her will. Damn you, Nick! she mockingly cursed under her breath. She repeated the song again and subconsciously slowed her car to keep tempo with the beat. Almost immediately, regret filled in as agonizing memories came flooding back, drowning her senses at once. Bette was not yet prepared for this, but she allowed the emotional recollections anyway.