Chapter 1


It has been nearly two years since she left LA, almost two years without seeing any of her friends or colleagues. She wondered whether telling anyone of her return would be welcomed when all they’ve heard from her was mostly silence. Would any of them still care? She wanted to believe so, but a part of her feared they wouldnt. Before leaving, Bette made Kit promise she wouldn’t tell anyone of her trip or where she was going (the destination was a mystery even to Bette) in hopes to avoid additional judgments placed on her for what may have been perceived as a mistimed decision. In truth, she was afraid to face her friend’sshit, her family’s disappointment; seeing the hurt she created mirrored in their eyes was overwhelming to her already guilt laden conscience. There was no undoing the irreparable damage she caused Tina’s heart and their relationship. Bette knew it was cowardly for her to abscond with nary a word, but at the time, she saw no other way to deal with the enormity of her betrayal, especially after no longer being able to recognize who she had become. Feeling ill equipped to mend the shamble she brought upon herself, Bette decided to get away, if only for a short time.


********
It was late on a Friday night, just weeks after the nuclear meltdown of Bette and Tina’s idolized relationship when her baby sister stopped by to announce she was going out of town for a couple of weeks. Bette had called her an hour before asking to see her, there was an urgency in Bette’s request she hadn’t heard before. Kit could also pick up the faint sounds of sniffles Bette tried to hide during the brief conversation, which wasn’t uncommon given the circumstances, but listening to her sister’s forlorn voice while looking out the window at the ominous clouds slowly advancing on the city, Kit was overcome with a foreboding sense that a big shift was about to happen…what constituted the shift was intangible, but Kit knew she wasn’t going to like whatever it was Bette wanted to tell her.

Kit wrapped an arm around Bette as they sat on her couch for a good hour, trying to understand the reason behind Bette’s recent idea to get away. She searched Bette’s eyes for any sign that she would give up this untimely decision, but only found vacancy resident where life once lived.

“…I know you’ve made a mess of things with you and Tina, but honey, you have to try to fix it. You can’t just run away from your wife and the life you’ve built together. It’s only been a month… Is that all she’s worth to you, four weeks? Seriously sweetie, you can’t give up this easily.” Not getting any response from Bette for the last hour, except the occasional tear, Kit sighed heavily in defeat. Shaking her head and completely exasperated, she uttered, “This is not the Bette I know.”

Bette sat quietly in her own thoughts for a while, contemplating her sister’s pleas to reconsider. It was just a trip she reminded herself, but deep down she knew Kit was right. The pain from these last weeks though was too great for her weak shoulders to bear.

It had only been a month since the tumultuous discovery occurred, but it was the longest one ever, an eternity it seemed with Tina refusing any kind of contact what so ever. She tried everything she could in her attempts to even catch a glimpse of her beautiful T. She desperately wanted to talk to her, see how she was doing, try to make her understand that the affair was a terrible mistake, but her request were denied; every efforts was thwarted by the three who stood watch, diligently protecting Tina’s broken heart like Buckingham Palace guardsmen, never breaking their resolve. Alice Dana and Shane would simply tell Bette that Tina wasn’t ready to see or talk to her whenever Bette would call Tina’s phone. Or when she would sit in the parking lot of Alice’s apartment building, mustering up the courage to try her luck again, but always forced to turn around by one of the triumvirate when she approached the building or even as she was about to step out of the car. One time, Bette made it as far as Alice’s apartment door. Surprised that no one had intervened by then, her hopes raised at the thought that Tina would be alone inside. Misfortune continued to partner up to Bette, no surprise there. The brief glimmer of hope vanished soon after the echoed knocking had silenced in the empty apartment, reminding her of the void that permeated her body.

Bette, somewhat despondent, “I can’t, Kit. As much as I want us to be together, it’s clear I don’t deserve her, not like this at least.” Staring off into nothingness, “I have to leave, just for a little while. I promise, I’ll be back soon.” Her mind didn’t believe the promise that escaped her lips. “I..I just need to figure out some ***** first before I can fathom repairing our marriage. That is, if Tina wants me to even try when I come back.” Bette cast her eyes down upon herself, fiddling with her hem of her T-shirt before continuing, “…and you’re right, Kit, this (her hands motioned to herself) isn’t the Bette you know. *****, I don’t know who I am anymore.”

Kit released the now tingling arm that had been a reassuring comfort to Bette and turned her sister’s body towards her own. She lifted Bette’s chin so she could see the compassion in her Kit’s eyes. “Well, maybe this trip will help you find your way back to the Bette we all know and love. I mean, we still love you, baby girl, but not the choices you’ve made lately.” Kit felt sorry for her sister, who was always too proud and stubborn for her own good. She knew nothing she said would change her sister’s mind about leaving. “It’s going to be one long journey before you are able to see the light of day,” Kit thought to herself, a revealing foreshadow unbeknownst to her.

“I just hope you find your way back home soon. Your family won’t take too kindly to you disappearing off the face of the earth, now will they?” Kit smiled as she tried to lighten the mood and show Bette the support she knew her decimated soul needed. As much as Kit was mad at her sister for potentially destroying the only meaningful relationship she’s ever seen her in, she had nothing but love for Bette. “My own track record is full of painful mistakes, but I got through them, just like she will eventually too,” Kit mentally reminded herself.

“Please don’t tell anyone where I’m going. I already feel awful for leaving in the middle of all this..this wreckage. I don’t want to have to deal with everyone thinking I’m a coward too.”

“And where exactly are you going, hmm?”

“I don’t know just yet, but I’ll let you know when I get there.”
********


Bette broke out of deep thought after recalling that fateful conversation. Standing a ways away from her car that was parked on the side of the road, she took in the site of this part of the Pacific coast one last time before she ventured her way back to the uncertainties that lie in LA. She pondered how it has been almost two years since her conversation with Kit before leaving all she treasured behind. “Where did the time go?” She whispered to the crashing waves below the precipice on which she stood; the salty spray lifted by the breeze gently kissed her face as if in response to hearing her question. She never imagined her life veering completely off course after leaving her sisters house that night. At first, Bette thought she’d only be gone for short while to clear her head, figure out what went wrong, but the initial two weeks soon turned into months, which eventually turned into just shy of two years living in Portland Oregon, of all places.

It didn’t take long for Bette to love her northern environment. She found a certain calm in constantly being surrounded by lush greenery instead of bustling people hurriedly getting from one place to another on the crowded streets of LA. Portland offered tranquility that was conducive to reconciling the new unrecognizable Bette that failed to live up to anyone’s expectations, especially hers, with the Bette of old whose love and loyalty were prevalent in all aspects of her life, most importantly in her commitment to Tina. The sun shone less in the Northwest, but even that was a welcomed respite, surprisingly. And only a short jog outside of the city offered solace that Bette relished the most: cruising in her convertible along the sinuous pacific coastline. The northern terrain was a delighted contrast, dark jagged cliffs that jutted out into the deep blue ocean, old growth coniferous trees hugged the highway for stretches at a time, and an ocean breeze that was a refreshing 10 degrees cooler. On days when the sun danced through the trees painting impressionist renditions on the asphalt canvas, Bette would drive for hours completely surrendering herself to the abounding beauty.

How she ended up in Portland was a fluke. Bette was looking for any place that wasn’t LA. So, when she took out her national road map before she set off on her retreat, she blindly let her ballpoint pen land on the destination: Boring, Oregon. Not knowing anything about this city and suspecting it would unfortunately live up to its namesake, she elected to settle for the closest biggest city, *****, they only “big” city probably in Oregon. With location and map in hand, Bette left LA early Saturday morning believing she’d return in a mere two weeks. Little did she know how drastically her life would change once she reached Portland’s outer city limit.

And now many months later, she was about to leave the refuge she found in the Northwest to hopefully reclaim the life she once cherished while revisiting ghosts she tried to forget.