I feel her smile against my skin and I wrap my arm loosely around her. She turns her body and I spoon her. I prop my self up to see her face and she a large smile on. It’s her nose crinkling smile and I can’t help but think about how much I love that smile. All I can feel is happiness welling up inside of me. Happiness that she’s here beside me, happiness that we’re here together in each others arms, without a care in the world.

RING! RING! RING!

I look around frantically and again, for the millionth time, wake up to find an empty bed. I hold my knees to my chest and I put my head in between. I hate these moments; I hate the moments that I feel weak and vulnerable, the moments that I feel like crying and screaming. So I do it mentally. It’s one of my morning rituals; I crawl up in a fetal position and stay like that for a few minutes screaming in my head. When I finish, I get up to do the rest of my routine. I go into the shower and wash everything away. I wash the sin and despair I feel rising up. I shed all the anger in me and return the apathy into my eyes. I want out of the shower and brush my teeth, after I replace my well worn contacts. As part of my ritual, I rub my eyes and I look briefly in the mirror heading out the door.

I let my hand linger on the car door, I’m rethinking on whether or not I should go. The thought quickly enters my brain

‘What if she found out?’

Panic quickly fills within me, and I try to remember back to what happened when I blurted it out. I remember the surprised look on her face and I hope to God that she doesn’t remember. I may secretly wish that she knew, but not like this. I don’t want her to find out because of me. I don’t want to be the reason that she remembers.

‘I need to know.’ I get into my car and I slam the door shut. I floor it, hoping that she didn’t ditch or bail cause of my recent behavior.