“Look, what the hell is your problem?!” She screams out.

‘What? Please don’t tell me she plans to do this now.’

“Excuse me?” My tone comes out harsher then I wanted, I’m still surprised by her yelling.

“You heard me! What, is there something wrong with me being gay?!”

My eyes snap in a soft glare. ‘She did not just…’

“That’s funny; I remember saying the same thing.” I say in a quiet voice before I realize what I actually just said.

‘Shit! Don’t tell me I said that out loud!’

“What?” her voice seems really confused and it reflects her face.

I can’t do this. I can’t take it anymore. I’m so scared that if I’m here any longer I’ll break out in tears. I’m not strong, I never said I was. Just broken, and that’s why I run.

“Nothing, just forget it.” I turn around to leave.

‘Dammit!’ How many times do I have to do this before I put her behind me? Why can’t I leave her behind? Why can’t I get over what happened? Why do my defenses break each time I’m with her? Why, when I’ve worked so heard to build them up?

If she doesn’t remember then why don’t I just leave it at that? Why do I have to keep blurting things out, for her to figure out? Why do I keep torturing myself?

I know why. I want her to know. I want her to remember what she did to me, and I want her to regret doing it. I want to see her go through just a little bit of despair. I don’t want to see her living her life so carefree, knowing that she ruined mine. Yet here I am, making her career even better.

Yet I couldn’t bear to do otherwise. I wouldn’t be able to sabotage her or hurt her in any way. No matter how much I want to see her in pain, I would never hurt her, because I can’t.

I had already gotten on my way home and I’m almost there. I push Ashley to the back of my mind, and I remember that I need more coffee. I can’t bear to sleep, not now. If I did, I know that she would be there like she is every single time, like she’s been for so long.