I stiffen when the bedroom door opens behind me. The doctor is back. It’s time.

I watch as he silently walks to the foot end of the bed. Without waiting for him to ask I point out the morphine I had bought illegally. I watch as he prepares the syringe, draws up the clear liquid. I watch as he prepares to end a life. It’s seems such a simple act really. This act of kindness.

“Are you ready, Spencer?”

I finally look back at her and she’s watching me. Even as she speaks she’s looking at me.

“Yes, I’m ready.”

Her voice is so steady, so sure. It washes over me and calms me. For the first time in seven months, since she told me, I feel calm. I feel at peace as I stare back into those soft eyes of hers.

She doesn’t look away once. Not when the doctor takes her arm gently in his hand, not when he pauses for a brief second before puncturing the delicate skin. I lay down next to her and I hold her. I hold her and I stare right back at her.

“Ash…”

She whispers it so softly, smiles ever so gently. I watch as her eyes drift shut. As her breathing slows down. It looks like she’s just falling asleep. Like if I should gently shake her shoulder she’d open her eyes and look at me again. So I do it. I shake gently, but she doesn’t wake up. I kiss her cheek, but she doesn’t wake up. I call her name, but she doesn’t wake up.

A hand on my shoulder finally stops me. I watch in silence as he feels for a pulse. I watch as he sadly nods his head. I understand that nod. She’s gone. He leaves without another word. I’m supposed to phone the ambulance in half an hour. Supposed to say I came into our room to check on her and found her like this, but I don’t.

I kiss her still warm lips and leave her embrace. The second bottle of morphine is exactly where I hid it. I don’t think I bought it knowing what I was going to do with it. Subconsciously, yes, I knew exactly why I made sure to have more, but I did not ever admit it to myself. Not until the doctor nodded at me.

I settle myself back down next to her. I do exactly as the doctor did, except I draw in even more of the clear liquid. I want to make sure it does what is expected of it. It stings when the needle enters my arm, but I ignore it. I ignore everything around me as I lay back down next to her.

“I love you, Spencer. Don’t be mad at me for doing this, okay?”

I feel so sleepy. Like when I was a little girl and I stayed up long after my bedtime. That heavy tiredness that drags your eyelids shut against your will. I fight it, because I want to watch Spencer’s face for just a little while longer. I just want one last, long look. There might not be a heaven, we might never meet there, but I’ll have this last image. This last look at true beauty.

My eyelids are too heavy now, I can’t keep them open any longer. I don’t want to keep them open anymore, because I can feel her. I can feel her and she’s so near. I just have to close my eyes and reach out and I know she’ll be there. So I let go and I smile, because Spencer has never disappointed me before and this time I know will be no different.