At the hospital I so badly wanted to go in with her, I so badly wanted to see if she was okay… if she’d live but I couldn’t. I’d be arrested, I’d bring disgrace to my father and brothers but most importantly I’d have to face her, I’d have to look into those beautiful brown eyes knowing how easy it had been to pull the trigger, knowing that a small part of me actually enjoyed shooting her simply because in those few seconds as the bullets entered her I got to see the real her. I got to see that she really was in love… with me. It was written all over her face as everything that was happening sunk in, as the shock and then pain took over her body.

I was getting closer to my apartment; it was freezing and now drizzling. I refused to put on my jacket – I didn’t want to feel the warmth it offered. I wanted to be out here in the cold, I wanted to get sick because then I’d be forced to think about something other than her. I’d be forced to look after myself until I got better because right now I wasn’t. I was skin and bones but I didn’t care. Neither did I care that there were droplets of rain covering 

my face, blocking the view of my destination but I didn’t care. The rain disguised my tears, tonight I wouldn’t have to do any hiding.

Finally I stood in front of the door willing myself to push my key in and open the door. This was the moment I hated the most – coming home and facing my new life. I took a deep breath and entered, wishing I’d smoked a cigarette before coming inside. I let out a deep sigh and took the final step inside slamming the door behind me, happy that the door didn’t fall off its hinges.

I was greeted by mismatched furniture and a girl with a big grin on her face in nothing but her underwear. A girl that waited up for me every night, a girl I’d never be able to love.

She was kind, kinder than most people I’d come across. Kinder than what I deserved.