He rolled his eyes. “Vampire.” He corrected himself. “Rule number one. Biting is essential in great sex.”

My mouth dropped open. “I’m not going to bite him.” A huge blush ran across my face.

“You say that now but once you get started-“ I cut him off before he could finish.

“What’s the next rule Emmett?” I asked, holding up my hand.

“Anxious are we?” He smiled. I rolled my eyes. “Rule number two, condoms are stupid. No need for them.”

“We weren’t-“ He raised his hand to cut me off.

“I saw you at Walmart in Seattle, you weren’t there buying tampons, trust me.”

My eyes widened. “How do you know about that?” I screamed.

“I got bored and decided to follow you one day.” He smiled triumphantly. “Great day it was too.” I slammed my head into my hands. “Don’t worry, I won’t tell Edward.”

I still groaned. Could this get any worse?

“Rule number three,” Emmett continued. “The louder the better.”

Yes. Yes it could.

I opened my mouth to say something but nothing would come out. What do you say to that? Seriously, what do you say to that? I stared at him in shock.

“Now from experience, I like it when Rose nibbles on my ear as she plays with my-“ My eyes widened and I shook my head, silently pleading him not to say the word. “But Edward might be different. I suggest trying different things ; maybe watch a couple of porn movies to see how the professionals do it.”

I was speechless. How could Edward live with this?

“Now I’m no girl and I’ve never try this myself but I think we should talk about anal. Now-“ I shot up at the word anal. Enough was enough.

I opened my mouth to say something but closed it quickly. I had to think about what I was going say. “Emmett, how is any of this different if I had sex with Mike?” I finally asked, staring at him.

Emmett looked at me like I was stupid. “Because Edward is a vampire!” He said like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

I stared at him, my mouth opened, I couldn’t move. “So the only difference between me having sex with I don’t know Mike, and me having sex with Edward, is that Edward is a vampire?”

Emmett nodded, still smiling.

“Then what was the whole point of this conversation?” I screamed at him, blushing still.

Emmett shrugged. “Jasper and I have a bet going on to see how much I could talk to you about sex before you freaked out. You lasted longer than either of us thought. I’m proud of you Bella.”

I stared at him, my mouth still opened as he pulled himself off the couch. He patted my shoulder before walking out.

I hate vampires.

End.