My nose-scrunching smile came back, “Promise.”

I went upstairs and changed my clothes. I decided to go with my black silk pajama bottoms and a tank top. It was the only decent sleep wear that I brought. I got into Spencer’s bed and curled up underneath the blankets. I could hear Spencer coming up the stairs. She was turning off the hallway light. She stepped into her room, shutting the door behind her. She smiled at me. I couldn’t help but want to melt. She walked towards the bed; I lifted the covers up for her to slide underneath. She turned off the lamp on her side. I couldn’t help but stare at her.

“Ash?” Spencer gently spoke.

“Yeah, Spence.”

“Do you ever wonder what would’ve happened if things between us went very differently?”

“Everyday.” I turned over, lying on my back.

Spencer lay on her left side facing me, “Me too. What does that mean?”

I looked at her, “Does it have to mean anything?”

Spencer tore her eyes away from me and down to the blanket, “No, I guess it doesn’t.”

I reached over, gently touching my fingertips to her cheek, “We can’t live everyday on ‘What if’s’. Look at me, I’ve done it since the moment that we broke up and I don’t have anyone. I’m alone. I can’t keep holding on to that. I can’t keep wishing for something that I know will never come true.”

Spencer’s eyes filled with tears, “But what if it could come true?”

“No ‘what if’s’ Spence. Remember?” I took a deep breath to fight back tears, “But if it would, I think that maybe it would be too late.”

I noticed her inch towards me. But nothing in me wanted to stop her. I felt her hand find my stomach. My hand instinctively found the back of her neck, almost helping her come closer. Our lips connected in a sorrow filled kiss. Every movement felt like agony. Every caress of her tongue felt like a goodbye all in its own.

Spencer gently pulled away, tears in her eyes, “Will you just hold me?”

I didn’t say a word. I looked at her with tears in my own eyes and nodded. She turned over onto her right side and I wrapped my arms around her. Holding her always felt so beautiful. Every time I even touched her my body would sing a song all its own. Everything felt so wrong, but yet right, at that moment in time. I wanted to give myself the guilt trip because she had a girlfriend but my heart always overruled my head when it came to Spencer.