That afternoon she told me why she’d arrived late to lunch.  Instead of going to the cafeteria, the two had gone to the girl’s bathroom and had sex.  They then went to lunch, where Ashley held my hand while the girl was sitting on her lap.  Oh, but I shouldn’t worry, because Ashley "only fucked her. She wouldn’t let the girl touch her." I’m not sure why she thought that would be consoling. 

I cried for the first time in months that night.  I cried because the person I’d put myself into had betrayed me, and didn’t seem to care. She didn’t even apologize.  She did apologize, the next day, but looking back I realize that I forced her to apologize to me. I’m not really sure anymore if she even meant it.

Now I know what you’re thinking.  I should have  dropped her. That is not at all what I did.

Instead, I began to come up with ways to defend her.  The list I came up with was true, and I can still believe that it has a lot to do with the way Ashley acts, but it’s still not enough for me.   I can’t accept that this took away her capacity to love or care.

Her only real relationship before me, if you would consider what we had a "relationship," was with a girl.  The girl had abused her physically and emotionally. She cheated on her and made her feel worthless. I still will probably never forgive her for that.  She also was the root of Ashley’s cutting.  The scars on her wrists were covered daily by wrist bands and that damn zip up hoodie she always wore and looked so cute in. 

That night I told her that even though I should be mad at her, I was for some reason incapable of being mad at her.  She knew that I wasn’t angry with her.  The next night she went to my game, and in the parking lot afterwards I met her and my best friend (the two had become good friends by then because we all hung out together).  We all went to Starbucks, but then my friend ditched us in an effort to get us to talk out our problems. I noticed a bandaid on her wrist.  I asked her about it, but I got her usual "don’t worry about it" response and her frequent withdrawal from me.  The next day she told me she had cut, and I realized that she did it after I told her that I should be angry with her.  I’ll never forgive myself for being part of the reason she hurt herself.  That was the one thing I never wanted to do. You have to believe me.  I never wanted to do that.