The more I think about it the more I make myself believe that she was staring right through the camera….her eyes piercing right into my soul and telling me that she wanted a new first time. That she wanted me to be it. Wishful thinking, maybe. I don’t know.

But yeah, ever since that, I’ve been thinking of how it would go. Where we would be. Hell, even what we’d be wearing. Before it all came off, that is. And I’d get to see her…just her.

And then, I’d usually end up with my hand in my pants, so I’d stop. I don’t want to think of her that way. Just a quick fuck with no meaning or something like that. Or just a pretty face I masturbate to. I don’t even know which is worse. Either way, it’s totally perv-ish, and I get disgusted with myself every time I start thinking that way.

She means much more to me than that. And no matter how cliché it sounds, she just makes me want to be a better person.

I would never really think about this during the day time. Too much noise and too many distractions. The night. My escape where I can travel into the dark depths of my own mind and just think. Contemplate my sad excuse for a life, and that now I may have a chance for some kind of redemption. Spencer Carlin, my savior. My angel…

…My love.

Wait, what? Love? It’s too soon for that, isn’t it? Hell, I don’t even know what love is. How am I supposed to know if that’s what I’m feeling? Too much too soon…I need something to clear my head…

I grab my iPod off of my desk and walk out of my room and down the hall. I set the player to shuffle and let the music flow. Music’s another escape. When my thoughts get to complex or I over analyze, I just put on some music and it takes it all away. Which I desperately need, right now. I’m thinking too much, tonight. Call me emotionally retarded but whatever.

I make my way downstairs and into the kitchen. I just realized I was really thirsty, so I grab a glass out of the cabinet and walk back over to the fridge to fill it. I lean back against the counter and take a huge gulp. You know you’re thirsty when you feel the icy cold run down your throat. Then, all the sudden, I hear something. I think it was coming from behind me, so I turn around and squint my eyes looking into the pitch black.