Fan Fiction
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Bag Your Own
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Kit quietly slid the door shut and tiptoed over to Bette and Tina who were standing in front of the open refrigerator. Their faces were lit up like two old fashioned dolls illuminated in Macy’s window on Christmas day. Tina would feverishly scrawl in her pad as Bette called out the missing provisions. “And we’re out of butter, celery, onionmy god; we have nothing in this house. How is that possible?
Kit leaned in and as they both screamed, she wrapped her hand around a diet coke and said, “Now you’re out of diet cokewrite that down. And what in the ***** are you two screaming at?”
Bette said nothing. She just stood against the wall holding her chest as Tina took a seat at the table. “Well hello to you too, Kit. You just scared the ***** out of me. We’re making the shopping list.”
Kit: “Well, is turkey on that listcuz, cuz I don’t see one in the fridge here.”
Bette rolled her eyes and grabbing the can from Kit’s hand, opened it as she said, “That’s because we no longer eat turkey, do we Tina?”
Tina smiled and looking up from her pad, winked. “No, Bette, no we don’t.”
Kit: “What the ***** do you mean we don’t eat turkey? Since when?”
Bette: “Since Angelica was born and we became vegetarians. Right, Tina?”
Tina: “That’s right, Bette. Bette and I want to teach Angelica the benefits of a healthy diet while she’s young. Didn’t you see “Super Size Me?”
Kit: “Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoawho the ***** doesn’t eat turkey on Thanksgiving? Don’t get me wrong, I respect the whole vegetarian vibe you got goin on and all, but it’s Thanksgiving, ya’ll. We need turkey on Thanksgiving, otherwise it’s not Thanksgiving, it’s justThursday! And who the ***** wants to celebrate Thursday?”
Just then the doorbell rang out causing Bette and Tina to jump. Kit walked over and grabbed the can from Bette’s hand as she made her way to the living room. “I’ll get that. You two seem a bit jumpy today. Must be all those vegetables in your diet.”
Kit quickly returned with Alice and Dana in tow. She had filled them in on their way to the kitchen and before
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Katey! I am so happy to read from you! That was absolutely HILARIOUS. Any chance we could get you to re-post some of your older stuf which was equally as funny?? Pwetty Pwease? Loved it! Write again soon!
lmao. brilliant.
OMG…I cannot stop laughing. I love the way you write Bette and Alice. Too frickin hilarious. Welcome back by the way, you were sorely missed.
Loved it, hilarious.More please.
Kaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaateeeeeeeeeeey!!!! Oh my freakin God that was the funniest thing I have read in ages! Just ages my friend! Gawd! Missed that sense of humor that is so totally signature Katey! I lost count of the times I laughed out loud in this piece. Wicked good! And the amazing thing is, you nail each and every character every time! Your dialogue is perfect! You make it look easy. I don’t know what is funnier, imagining the Tofurkey with all the trimmings or them baggin their own! All I can say is, if Alice has a shotgun, I’m ducking! LOL Oh, and I get dibs on the drumstick! Fantastic from start to finish!
This is so fucking funny and love it. And let see what’s next, thanks!
very funny you have to have turkey!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SOOO Glad I read this at home and not at work…. so fracking droll!
I can just see alice looking like Elmer Fudd sneaking up on a turkey!!!!Glad to see you back…great story!
Katey…i’m so glad your back… i have missed your humor… and i love this… i could just see alice trying to kill a wild turkey… hey send her here right now there are about a12 wild turkeys running around my lawn… and i kidd you not… they are plenty here along with the deer… so send alice my way… reading on