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    Love Revisited – Coming Home Part 1

    Love Revisited – Coming Home Part 1

    I knew the moment that door closed and heard her walking away that today changed everything – just the opposite of the words that spilled forth from my mouth as she was leaving. My Bette, my heart and the love I just cannot deny burning deep within my soul. I tried so hard through the pain early on to extinguish it but like one of those damn trick candles that keep coming back to life, it just wouldnt flicker and die. So no more denial – Da Nile is that river in Egypt and thats where it shall remain. I wanted her there with me at the sonogram, to witness the life soon to be, to share in the wonder of what we had planned together, to be near me – close to me at that moment of joy. To tell the truth, I had reached the point, sonogram or not, where I needed to be in her presence. Her nervousness at doing the right thing when around me was palpable, and when she took my hand, her love for me – for us was also very evident. Those furtive few seconds before when I looked into her eyes I saw her love for me peek through the heavy mist of her own pain and heartbreak.

    For way too long I was consumed with only my pain caused by her betrayal of lust shared with another. When I stepped outside the circle of my despair, I began to see that long before that coup de grace we both had contributed to the breakdown of our relationship. As hard as it is to say, the affair may have been our beginning and not an ending. Sloshing through the pain caused the delay of that realization. That simple gesture of taking my hand was an electric charge that reignited the deep connection we share. In that moment I began to fall in love anew with my Bette – and I just didn’t want the moment to end.

    I dont even remember the ride home – just a glimmer of words – pick up anything at the store – I’ll help you bring things upstairs There she was standing in the kitchen, clearly happy to be in the same space as I, but so wary of letting me know that by any action on her part – clearly fearful that a lingering glance toward me would cause me to react negatively towards her. Impossible for her to know, but looking at her caused the heat within me to skyrocket. I needed to let her know its okay – I don’t hate you, I never really did. I’ve never stopped loving you. I only needed to get passed the awful pain and my own stupid need to hurt you back. So again, as Ive murmured at times in our relationship, I said, "come here" and watched as she took the slow, tentative steps towards me.

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