”I can’t, I have a lot of…”

”Bla bla bla, no fresh news here. You always have a lot of work. But it can wait. If Tina called and said she wanted you on your couch, you would instantly forget that you have a lot of work and be on your way. True? True. Don’t even try to deny it, because I know you and your … ”

”Alice, Alice! Calm down!” I interrupt her. God, how she loves to chatter. ”I’m not in the mood for company and I’m not hungry, so you can eat without me. Say hi to the gang.”

”Ahhh! You’re just impossible. Okay. We would still have fun without you,” sneered Alice, and I can’t help but roll my eyes. ”Enjoy your work, Porter! Love you, bye!”

I put the phone on the receiver and go back to my thoughts.

About nine in the evening I put my Saab in our driveway. I then notice that there are no lights on. Entering the house, I take off my leather jacket and throw it on the nearest chair. The kitchen is also dark. Tina always leaves the light on for me. Without caring about darkness, I open the fridge and pull out a bottle of water. I realize how much I craved water, devouring all of it. Out of breath, I lean my elbows on the counter and close my eyes for a moment.

”Bette?”

”Oh my God, Tina!” I cried, jumping with fright and leaning my hand to the chest, trying to calm the heartbeat. ”You scared me shitless!”

”Sorry. I heard your car” Tina said in most moderate tone I have ever heard and turned the light on. ”Are you hungry?”

”No” I respond carefully examining her.

”Good. I haven’t cooked anything.”

She is too calm and it leaves me at a loss. I stand here and don’t really know what to say.

”I think I’ll go to the market. We are out of milk.” She goes down the hall and then without glancing back at me out the door.

Okay, Bette says the voice in my head. Calm down, she just wants some milk, it’s no big deal what the time is. Maybe she just wants to clear her mind. I enter our bedroom to change into tank top and sweatpants. Sitting on the side of the bed I stare into space. There was no kiss, no hug. And she never fucking goes shopping at nine in the evening. Why can’t she just keep crying into my shoulder instead of acting this way? I do want to comfort her. But what if she doesn’t want me to? She would have approach me herself, right? Tina was always the initiative one. Well, except maybe when it comes to sex. Then it’s usually me. I am irritated now and I should not be. We have just lost our baby. I should be depressed or something. I should feel bad. I should have offered Tina to go with her and keep her company. I was working late after my wife had a miscarriage. I should feel shameful. But I feel nothing of the sort. I’m just empty.