“Babe, you’re just wearing a black hoodie?”

Watching her daughter and wife stare at her with judgmental eyes, Bette put her hands on her hips and drew in a deep breath.

“I thought you said you ordered a sweater, Momma?”

“I did. I’m wearing it underneath my hoodie. You two will get to see it when I reveal it at the party.”

Tina and Angie looked at each other and rolled their eyes. “We’ll be in the Uber.” Tina replied.

“Right behind you, Baby.” Bette said with a smirk.

—

The Planet

The family of three stepped out of the backseat of the Uber ready to get their ugly on. They approached the front entrance of the café when they saw Shane smoking a cigarette nearby. Seeing Angelica approaching, Shane flicked the butt in the opposite direction and stood from the bench. She was wearing a black sweater with a large photo of Yoda’s face in the center and sandwiched between two parallel rows of Millennium Falcons and red and green lightsabers.

“Merry Christmas.” Shane greeted as Angie hugged her tight.

“I love your sweater, Auntie Shane.”

“Thanks, Squirt, I love yours too.”

“Mommy and I made ours.”

“That’s pretty rad.”

“Hey, Shane.”

“Tina.” Shane watched as Bette brought up the rear and couldn’t help but smile. “Ebenezer.” She greeted the taller woman.

“Yeah, yeah. Just wait until I unzip this.” Bette warned.

All four of them stepped into the Planet in search of the rest of their party.

Kit was busy at the bar wearing her Christmas sweater that was also black with a large yellow Wutang Clan symbol in the middle with yellow snowflakes and honeycomb patterns surrounding it. Helena was spotted donning a green sweater with the leggy lamp from A Christmas Story on the front amidst a smattering of snowflakes. Tasha’s sweater had candy cane striped arms with a Christmas tree in the center of her torso that boasted LED lights and at the top said, “Get Lit.”

Once the Porter-Kennard’s reached their designated table, Alice immediately made a bee line for them. She was sporting a 3-D unicorn sweater that showed the stuffed head coming out of her chest and the rear end of it stuck out from her back.

“Hey!”

Bette, Tina, and Angie turned to the familiar voice.

“Thanks for coming Porter-Kennards!” She said with a smile and a cup of spiked eggnog. “Did you bring the shots Tina?”

“Sure did,” Tina responded as she tried to maneuver the goods out of the cooler.

As Alice got closer, she eyed Bette up and down.

“Excuse me, Porter?”

Just as she was about to lay into Bette for her inappropriate attire, Bette slowly unzipped her hoodie and slid it off arm by arm. She then turned to face Alice as Tina, Angie, and Shane caught the first glimpse of her sweater and fought off the giggles with wide eyes.

“Yes, Alice?” Bette asked innocently now that her apparel was now fully revealed to her annoying friend.

Alice’s eyes dropped to the front of Bette’s sweater, and her mouth hung open in shock. She finally looked up at Bette with disdain in her eyes. “I hate you.” She whispered and grabbed a Jell-O shot from Tina before retreating to the other side of the café.

“Well-played, Bette. You certainly know how to dress appropriately for the occasion.” Shane laughed.

Bette smiled and looked down at the photo of Alice in a Santa hat, pirate-eyed and likely screaming incoherently on her chest. She had created her own ugly Christmas sweater by uploading an old photo from her and Tina’s Christmas party that had popped up on her Facebook memories. The photo was just too good not to feature on her sweatshirt and she knew it would be a hit.

“That’s cold, Momma B.” Angelica said, unable to hide her own amusement at her Earth Mother’s expense.

“You’re the worst, babe.” Tina teased.

“I thought she would like it. It’s doubling as her Christmas gift.”