Chapter 7

It was, more or less, just like Heaven, Shane thought staring at her reflection in the mirror. It was, more or less, a sort of “look and don’t touch” Heaven. Having Carmen so close, so damn close, inhaling her scent again and again and drowning into her smile. It definitely was just like Heaven.

Shane smoothed her button-down white shirt and ducked her head to a side. She stared at her own eyes in the mirror. Green eyes staring back at her. She stared and stared, holding her breath, frowning, slightly, trying hard to figure out what was going on inside her soul.

Many people knew Shane. At least, they think they knew her. They knew her soulless gaze. They knew the perfectly neutral tone of her voice. They knew the faultless stillness of her face, whatever – or whoever – she was doing.

Many people thought they knew Shane and they also thought she was, basically, a shallow person. She had smiles that never reached her eyes. She had gestures of pure courtesy but without any trace of true interest. She always knew what to say and how to say it and when.

Her good manners were epical. And yet, they showed nothing but a mere fair play. Nothing else. No true involvement, no commitment. No feelings.

Before all those people’s eyes, Shane was someone who lacked warmth, sensitivity, or anything that might stimulate or engage the feelings. Bleak, unpleasantly cold, with an austerity that suggested, imposed even, a physical hardship. The severe Shane, the woman who was grimly unsmiling.

Shane wasn’t goofy. Shane couldn’t be funny – she could only be cynically humorous. Shane had self-control. Shane was a sex goddess, she could make you scream and twist and shout in bed. Out of the bed, she could give you nothing.

“Bullshit”, Shane hissed through her gritted teeth, and shook her head.

Shane had simply forgotten how to feel, how to laugh heartily, how to drop her guard. She didn’t want to. She didn’t trust anybody. She didn’t want anyone to get closer. She feared closeness, she feared proximity, and she was terrified of vulnerability.

But Carmen. Oh, Carmen, Carmen, Shane thought and shook her head again, pursing her lips together, squeezing her eyes shut, Carmen what are you doing to me, Carmen why are you messing with my world, Carmen why do I feel like I’m falling, I’m falling Carmen, I’m falling.