After we met Carmen, Shane and I decided to go to “Milk”, so we were there checking out some of the girls, Shane was the first one to find someone she liked, and the longer I saw them together the more upset I got, the way they danced, the way they touched, and I was just furious  and the thing that get me even more pissed off is that I have no idea why I’m feeling like this, this fire within my chest I hate it, I want it to go away, but I guess I need to figure out how did it got there in the first place, huh? Do you have any ideas as to what is it? cause I really want to know. Anyways since this feeling of rage and anger was getting to big for me to handle, and I didn’t wanted to spoil Shane’s party I got out of the club and just started walking, then I decided I wanted to go to the beach, you know, to clear my head and try to make some sense out of all of this. So I’m sitting here on the sand, looking at the ocean, hearing its sounds, and I started to calm down, and all the questions that minutes ago were rushing through my mind are now making a little more sense and things are getting into place, somehow one of the more persistent thoughts are those which have Shane as their main character, then all of my fears about my past, the extremely scary happiness that I’m experiencing for the first time in my life, all the girls, my family there are so many things but I’ve had some of this thoughts and fears all my life, but why are they so scary now? Why does my heart aches so much right now? I know that my past is something I have to live with the rest of my life and I am not ashamed of it cause thanks to that I’ve become what I am now, so I’m cool with that, I have to  be I have no choice. About the happiness, well it’s hard to get used to walk in heaven when you’ve walked in ***** for so long, but I think I could get used to it, I have people by my side now, the girls I would have no problem telling them my life story cause now I know they’d understand, at least I think they would I hopeMy family, well I’ve never had as much of a family as I have now, but still, why didn’t she tried harder? Why couldn’t he stay sober even for a few minutes? why did he had to pull the trigger? why neither one of them ever thought about me?Great now I’m sobbing like a little kid, It’s so painful to remember it shouldn’t be but it is so very painful. Shane she is the one piece of the puzzle I can’t figure out, I don’t know why I am so scared about her finding out how my life was, I don’t know why do I feel so incredibly uncomfortable watching her picking up girls, I mean that’s our thing, that is what we do together and we’re ***** great at it, but since a few weeks ago it just doesn’t feel right, and, what’s with all the fighting? We used to get along so great, we could be around each other for hours and hours, now sometimes it feels like we’re worst enemies, and I hate that. We’re falling apartand that hurts so very very much. Every time I look at her there’s this thing going through my chest, this intense pain and yet a sudden rush of happiness. ***** why can’t I stop crying? wait a minute this is starting to make sense all those times when Alice told me what she felt for Dana, all the times Dana tried to explain her feelings for Alice, all the love lessons from Bette and Tina Oh no! Oh ***** no it just can’t be No ***** way!! I couldn’t be could I? Did you know anything about this? Why the ***** didn’t you tell me about it? Oh Sydney you just have to be kidding me you’re not that stupid.

            Ok I just need to get home, and sleep on it, surely it will be gone by tomorrow, if I deny it, it will just fade away, right? Yeah yeah I just have to start walking home, cause if I stay here thinking about it, or if I say anything, that would make it real, and I don’t want it to be real I’d rather die before letting it be real.

****CRASH!!!!!!!****