Sometimes….sometimes…many times…I can be so difficult. On these days when I close down in an attempt to close out the world….I end up closing the door on the one person who loves me unconditionally. And this was one of those days.

It started so innocently…just questions…simple questions…about life…my life…our life. Sometimes I overreact and then as they say…’you can’t unring the bell.’ The words are said…emotions run high…and pain seems to run deep…oh my God… the pain runs so deep. The pain is intense…and as usual…I’m not even sure why.

I know she worries when I get like this…when I can’t seem to see a light at the end of the tunnel. Life appears so dark…so damn dark. Sometimes it’s hard to remember that anything but darkness exists. As I sink deeper and deeper into my own despair…I feel her with me. She’s trying to be there for me…support me…love me…even when I feel so unlovable. Times like these…the world looks black…like a hole…a very dark and dank hole has consumed me. The demons tug at my leg…they are trying to pull me down…even further than I am. Can I sink any further?

She always appears…so loving…so accepting…so reasonable. She tries to pull me back up…and I fight her every step of the way. I don’t know if I could fight her any harder. I don’t know why I fight her at all. She’s the most wonderful person I’ve ever met…and she loves me…even as I do my best to prove that I am not worthy of her love and affection. She says all the right things…but…I can’t tell her that…heaven forbid I feel better. I can’t allow myself to feel better…not today.

What I really need…what I really want…is to curl up with her…be held by her…endlessly. It’s the only time I feel safe and secure when I feel like this. I need her…I really need her. My need is so strong that I push her away. Does that make sense? I do it…and it makes no sense to me. Maybe the other people in my life who’ve told me I make no sense are right. It makes no sense…I make no sense.

The love of my life is in front of me and I’m shoving her away. I don’t want her to leave me…I never want her to leave me. And my biggest fear is that one day she’ll do just that. If I feel lost now…I can only imagine how that would feel. Could I go on? I could..but I’d be miserable. I really hate being miserable…I do…why can’t I just say that.

I need to make things right. She says we’re in everything together. It’s always been me…me against the world…but not since she came into my life. I need to tell her…I have to tell her..through my tears…that I am in love with her…that I need her…and that we are in this together. I don’t need to do it all alone…I don’t…not since her. God I need her…I need her now…I need to take back the distance I’ve thrown between us.

Sometimes…I need time to think…
Sometimes…I need to cry…
Sometimes…I’m such an *****….

But…always…I need her. And I need to tell her…let her know…I’m in love with her…very much in love with her…