DID YOU TELL THEM WHAT YOU SAW? K asked a third time – her words slow, deliberate and harsh. She still had a hold of my arm and was squeezing rather hard, subconsciously I hoped.

I shook myself loose from her grasp and answered, Of course, I told them. I just didnt realize that they were in on arranging your little tryst – Christ, K you couldnt pick a city where I WASNT?

Did they believe you?

Hey , I snapped my fingers in front of her face. What is the matter with you?

DID THEY BELIEVE YOU?

No, no, of course not. They said it wasnt you I thought I saw and you certainly wouldnt be with another woman, NOW WOULD YOU?

She grabbed my arm again and lead me back towards the elevator.

I am going to tell you this only once, and you have to promise me that you will trust me, babe, TRUST ME at least until Friday night when this little shindig is all over. There is nothing going on with me and that woman – shes a friend – nothing more – shes doing me a favor while Im here – thats it – thats all. Im here because I wanted to be with YOU – no offense but I dont really care about your little mission. Im glad I can help out, but thats not why Im here. Now say you will trust me for one more day – SAY IT

We were standing in front of the elevator by this time, K determined to have me believe what she said and getting me to go back up to the room. The doors opened and we let the others off before we got on. As the door closed and K pushed 6, I finally answered.

I dont trust you right now, K. In fact Im not sure I even like you. But I will do my best to believe that you are here for me and when this is all over I hope your real reason for showing up in the desert is a good one.

Thank you, she sighed. Thats all Im asking .

Neither of us said another word until we were back in the room with the other two mission members. There was lots of food left and I realized just how hungry I was. I told them I wanted to take a quick shower then eat something while we finalized the details.

I grabbed a portable radio to take with me in the bathroom – the last thing I wanted was to hear any part of any conversation those three deceivers had to say. I turned the shower on HOT and the radio on HIGH. I thought about our little rumble in the tumbleweeds earlier and how everything just seemed to be unraveling – slowly – thread by thread – the mission, my life – slowly, just a little at time. What the ***** was going on and what was I going to do?

The hot water seemed to cleanse me thoroughly, for the moment anyway. And the country music I had blaring was meant to deliberately annoy the other three. I finished up with the shower, dried off, threw on a t-shirt and pair of gym shorts, wrapped the towel around my neck and continued drying my hair. I walked back into the main room of the suite and joined the three liars as they sat on the floor, legal pad and pen in Bigs hand. I sat next to K, not really wanting to. She patted my leg, a gesture I ignored in her eyes but felt go through me like a jolt of electricity. (*****)

Hey, Bigs reminded me. You owe a C-note. I got back up, went to my bag and found a crisp hundred dollar bill – the usual fee. This one was going to cost us a $100 for the maintenance guy, a $100 for the waiter and another $100 for the photographer. I returned to the group and dropped the bill into the pile already started by Bigs and Sug.

Sugar had pulled out a 35 mm from her suitcase which was carefully wrapped in bubble plastic and tissue paper. She handed it to K with the instructions to be careful – that piece had been used on every mission since 85. K held it up, looked it over, hid a smile and said she wasnt really sure she knew how to use it – it being so old and all!

I got on my knees and positioned myself behind her, my chest leaning into her back. I grabbed her hands and showed her where to hold them on the piece. Look here, aim, and oh so gently but quickly pull here, I explained talking very softly into her ear. She tried to look back at me, but before she could turn or say anything, I moved back to my place in the circle deceit on the floor. (Thatll teach her, *****)

Ok, Bigs began. Lets start with the outfits. Sug?

Bette – blue suit / white blouse.

Yea, like thats a surprise! I chortled.

I was quickly silenced by demon glares from the other two.

Beach?

Ok, soup chef – self explanatory I hope, I said.

And me, Ive got the Shane look, leather pants, fringed vest, leather bracelets and wristbands and the HAIR. Bigs pulled out a dark shaggy looking wig reminiscent of Shanes style.

K watch in silent amazement not quite sure what was going on–soaking it all in nonetheless, intrigued and anxiously but patiently awaiting the Shooters instructions.

I know its late guys but we gotta go down to the banquet area and check the layout and the timing, Bigs explained. We all agreed, not caring that it was 2 am – we needed to see things for ourselves.

As we rode down the elevator Bigs explained to K that some organization which we didnt care about was having a fundraising dinner which we werent going to shell out $2,500 to attend. Some of the cast of the L Word were invited to speak because the producer, Ilene Chaiken was a supporter of this organization which we didnt know about and didnt care about. We knew that Jennifer Beals, Laurel Holloman, Erin Daniels, Kelly Lynch, and Katherine Moenning were all going to be there – and thats all the information about the event we were interested in.

The dinner was to start at 8:30 pm, the speeches at 10:00 and by 10:45 Q & A from the audience for the cast who were to be seated on a small elevated stage surrounded by three giant screens — their images projected onto the screens like at a rock concert so people in the back could see.

We exited the elevator on the mezzanine floor where a dozen or more auditoriums / convention halls were located. Finding the one designated for the dinner Friday night, we entered through the solid wood double doors and the back of the hall. Inside over 100 round tables were set up – each table with seating for 8 people. There were folding chairs set up along the walls four rows deep to accommodate those persons who would pay to see the cast but did not want the dinner. A large crowd was anticipated – definitely an advantage for us.

Ok guys, here is how it will go down, Bigs began explaining.

The explanation was mostly for Ks benefit. The three of us had done this some so many times before that we could scout a location without saying a word. We would point, nod, measure, survey and walk away knowing exactly what we were going to do. The examination of the lay of the landscape taking just several minutes – the actual mission being accomplished in a matter of seconds.

The success of these things, K, depends on the crowd assembled for the event. started Bigs. Ya see, people rarely notice what goes on around them, especially if they are preoccupied with their own reason for being there. Believe me when I tell you that every pair of eyes in this place will be glued to the stage in an attempt to catch a glimpse of the women they paid to see. And after dinner, many of them will be moving toward that stage, jockeying for position to get a better view.

K nodded in silent agreement, at least pretending to know what Bigs was saying.

And NO ONE will notice the three women conspicuously dressed like characters from the L Word, Showtimes original series. No one will pay attention to the three of them as they quietly enter through the big wooden double doors in the back of the auditorium and pick up three small step stools left against the rear wall by the maintenance man.

K looked at the back wall and noticed three small pieces of masking tape indicating the location of where the step stools would be – and better be since it cost us $100.!

Believe me, K, no one will think twice about letting us pass them by as we make our way to the front of the hall, politely and apologetically saying, Excuse me, Oppps, sorry about that, Yea, pardon me, Thank you , Excuse me

They will let us pass because they are straining their necks, up on their tip-toes trying to get a peak at Bette and Tina and Ivan, and Dana, and Shane. The crowd wont give us a second look – guaranteed.

Its human nature, K, to notice a distraction or diversion, Bigs continued. An explosion or a car crash or an unexpected bolt of lighting will draw someones attention immediately. They cant help it – they are shocked by the noise, they look to see what it is. The louder, the more intense and the more destructive the noise, the longer people will look – usually hoping to see blood, guts, whatever.

So when I tell you that EVERYONE will look stage left when the young, attractive waiter drops not one but two trays of dirty dishes, THEY WILL LOOK even the women on stage. . The sound will be loud, familiar, and unexpected. Glass breaking, dishes shattering, silverware flying. They will jump, startled at the sound and automatically look in the direction of the accident. They will feel sorry for the young man because he is cute and small. I am even willing to bet that someone on stage will make a clever yet encouraging comment to the young man, whose face will be very red with embarrassment . He doesnt care, he just made $100. The audience may even break out in applause.

And you know what, K. While all this is going on, NO ONE will notice that the three women dressed like L Word characters have dropped their step stools not five feet from center stage. Everyone is still watching the waiter, which by the way this whole episode will be accomplished in less than 10 seconds.. Trust me.

And while the young man begins to clean up his mess, with no help from the audience, everyones attention will once again be diverted, this time stage right. A photographer will yell very loudly, Jennifer, Laurel over here. He wants them to look his way to get a better picture. Kelly, Erin, hey big smiles girls. He will holler again LOUDLY.

His loud voice ( and it better be loud, it cost us $100) will draw stares from the audience who have failed to notice that we have now mounted the step stools and are facing the crowd. The women on the stage will slowly and deliberately turn their heads from the waiter to the photographer – they will canvass the audience as their heads and eyes go from their left to their right. They want to take the time to survey the large crowd which has come to see them – they are actors and relish in the attention whether they will admit it or not. They will not notice the back of three heads which seemed to have sprouted right in front of them.

And heres the important part, K, YOUR part. As the women of L look out over the audience, slowly turning their heads from their left to their right- at the precise moment our favorite girls are gazing directly into the crowd, their line of sight just above the heads of the three unknown persons standing on step stools, YOU SHOOT – ONE – TWO–THREE–FOUR – FOUR times if you get the chance.

By the time the women on the stage have faced the photographer to their right, the women on the step stools will have dismounted and walked slowly away making their way back through the crowd leaving the step stools behind, Excuse me, pardon me, oh sorry, excuse me.

They will meet you in the middle of the room and the four of you – the four of US – will casually and calmly walk out the big wooden double doors at the back of the hall totally and completely unnoticed by anyone in the room. All of this – the waiter, the shoot, the photographer — all of it — happening in less than 20 seconds. We will walk in and out of the banquet hall in less than 90 seconds. We will walk and chat and giggle and laugh as we leave the hall as if we were four friends on vacation. We will make our way out the front door of the casino and pick up the pace of our gait, strolling quickly to the stairs under the big lion.


FRIDAY 10:53 pm

And thats EXACTLY how it happened. The four of us now sitting under the lion in front of the MGM Grand Casino, adrenaline flowing, breathing erratically, and high-fiving each other at the successful completion of yet another mission.

OH MY GAWD YOU GUYS, cried K excitedly bending at the waist and turning in circles. She couldnt stand still, still reeling from the thrill. THAT WAS ***** INCREDIBLE! And all of that for a few lousy pictures. She was carelessly waving the 35 mm camera as she turned round and round.

If looks could kill, K would have been DOA one second after that last remark left her loose lips as Bigs, Sug and I all turned to her simultaneously and stared in utter disbelief . . .

TBC