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Planet Terror: Blame Canada
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Who made who? Who turned the screw?
Spinning like a dynamo
Feel it going round and round
Running out of chips, you got no line in an 8-bit town
“Fucksake…”
Bette leaned forward, nodding to the young woman piloting their helicopter. “Something wrong?”
“Yeah, well I don’t know if it’s going to be a problem. But we need to refuel.”
“How long?”
“We should have at least until dawn.”
“All right folks.” Bette spoke as quietly as she could. She scanned their group before beckoning Alice over. Everyone else was asleep. Someone had put headphones onto Shane’s ears. She was staring into space, listening to AC DC. It was 4am.
Bette and Alice watched below, waiting for the first signs of dawn. When the light finally rose they saw that they were passing over heavily wooded areas. They were thoroughly confused.
Bette walked back to the front of the chopper. She tapped their pilot gently and enquired as to their destination.
“Canada.” She said matter of factly.
Bette was quiet for a full minute. She was thinking about yelling, but didn’t want to wake Helena and the baby.
“What?” Was all Bette could say. She cleared her throat and tried again. “I thought we had determined as a group that we were going to Mexico? Is that why we can’t see the other helicopters? Why we haven’t seen them all fucking night? Because they’re going to Mexico, while we’re going to motherfucking Canada?”
The pilot looked like she was going to cry. “I thought…I thought that in all those movies, people always went to Canada…”
Bette was beside herself with anger. A gentle voice at her ear calmed her somewhat.
“All right then. A slight detour.” Helena had joined them.
“Slight…slight?” Bette’s mouth opened and closed as she stared at her girlfriend. “Helena, Canada is as far away from Mexico as you can get without going to fucking Australia.”
“Maybe we should go there instead. Fucking Australia I mean.” Helena stifled a yawn. The baby was sleeping at her breast, and she was absolutely not going to allow this slight glitch in their plans to cause her any stress. “Look, sweetheart, we’re just going to have to turn around. So what. In the meantime, I can see Canada. I’ve never been to Canada, except for that time skiing. And that doesn’t count.”
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Yay it’s back
That was so funny… blame Canada indeed. It must be freeing to just mow down anyone that pisses you off with a massive automatic weapon, but then there’s the nagging conscience… not worth the hassle if the guilt outweighs the initial fun. What are they going to do with an infected Jenny though? She’s not placid like Shane, she’s insane… Great as ever, helebette. Thanks for the post!
Nice story!! Its very fun to read. I look forward to more!!!!
Tim Hortons, hockey, moose, rifles instead of semiautomatics … As a Canuck, let me stipulate that you pretty much nailed the Canadian content in this installment. Nice job, eh.
Okay .. so I love it when Bette says ‘Fuck!’ a lot, nice detour via Canada, “merde!” indeed, i’m amused that shane bit jenny, is that bad of me … in fact i’m still laughing about it, about the snakes and the global warming too, lol … but actually still laughing more about Jenny :)
I’ll take a large double double and your condolences over the Leafs not even making the playoffs this year. You made me laugh out loud a LOT which just doesn’t happen enough in these stories. About the only stereotype you left out was that Canadians apologize when someone else does them wrong. Thanks for the unique and entertaining story!
Yes, I suppose Alice WOULD know the lyrics to “Dueling Banjos”, but then, she is special. Oh dear, the situation must be dire when Canadians and Americans cannot distinguish between their neighbors and zombies, although it was a big step forward for Bette to resolve not to kill anymore just because she’s a cunt, eh? I suppose it was inevitable that Shane would bite Jenny and that Jenny would be bitten by Shane. But then, isn’t that the entire message (?) behind the L Word, that we should all be free to be who we are and love the way that feels right to us?
Enjoyable as always. Thanks for the update, it made my evening. Sometimes you just need to laugh and relax. It’s okay not to be so serious all the time. Can’t wait for more.
im luvin it!! can’t wait 4 the next update!
There’s something about the way you write this that makes me laugh so much hahah I even made my boyfriend read it and he loved it too, so thanks for this!!! xD