CHAPTER 4: SCARED OF YOURSELF

Bette and Addison stood outside on the patio. The sky was gradually darkening, as if someone was dimming the sky slowly. The tip of the brunette’s cigarette glowed. Bette was looking out over the pool, feeling Addison’s scrutinizing gaze on her face. She knew that at some point, she would have to talk, explain what was happening. Bette brought the cigarette to her lips, her fingers trembling. Addison knew her friend was postponing and it was wearing her out. She had had a long flight and was worn out, but knew she wouldn’t be able to catch any sleep if she was worried about Bette.

“What is going on, Bette?” the redhead finally asked. “You only ever smoke when you’re beyond anxious. You’re not yourself. You’re silent, withdrawn, hesitant.”

Bette sighed and a sad smile graced her lips. “I guess I’ll have to spill then?” She nodded and took in a deep breath. “Okay. I… I wrote a letter to Tina. I told her how I feel about her, how I’ve felt about her for the past seventeen years.”

Addison looked up in surprise. “And she didn’t take it well? I would’ve sworn she felt the same – the way she looks at you when she thinks nobody noticed… but then why is she still here?”

Bette smiled at Addison’s train of thoughts which were of course expressed out loud. It was something she carried from work to her private life. It was as if she was trying to figure out what surgery would be best to perform on a patient.

“There’s a bit more to it than that. In the letter, I said goodbye to her. I just couldn’t do it anymore, Addison. I couldn’t deal with her starting a family with Eric. It hit me so hard that she really would never be with me. I just wanted everything to end.” Tears were now silently rolling down her cheeks, her voice trembled as she continued. “I had it delivered. Told Susie that it was only to arrive on Thursday, after… after I had taken the only way out I could think of.”

This last statement was said in a voice so soft that it was barely audible – barely. Addison heard her loud and clear and turned towards her in shock. She wanted to say something, anything, but couldn’t find the words. Didn’t know what to say. The tears in Bette’s eyes were now rapidly flowing. “I… I was about to… then Tina came in. She took the pills and the booze. She hit me and she was so angry with me. Then she held me for a long time. Then we talked and just when I had told her I hated that she walked in because now she knew and it made everything harder because it wasn’t reciprocated, you called and Eric called her just after her answer. She said ‘Whoever the hell said so?’ I don’t know what she means. I think I know, but don’t want to be disappointed. I couldn’t take it, I can’t take anymore of this pain. We haven’t been able to talk about it.”