Is this how the story of my life goes? It seems so surreal its almost made me believe its fantasy. A dream in which I have been made to live out, the reality so far away or twisted that I cant escape the claws of my demons.

Demons, thats what they are. Perhaps I am one myself, forever hiding my thoughts. My actions of course have spoken miles more than my words to them could have. And I laugh a sound so foreign to my ears that I know its not me. Not how I was. Me. Who am I? I thought all these years I had finally got me nailed down. I was getting married, I was happy. The classic tale of boy meets girl. Only after that, girl meets other girl and there was lust at first sight.

Only now if I had known I wouldnt have gone with him. My hearts screaming at me that this girl, this amazing woman who has chosen me, has been the one all along. Yet it cant be, now Im married, getting a divorce and she? She has a girlfriend. The irony is astounding dont you think. She tosses me aside for another woman. But I love her. Each pulse coursing through my veins reminding me my heart is beating only for her. Her glance, her touch, her humour, her wisdom.

Everything is telling me to walk away. Friends, whom are more like family, agree. Walk away, but how can you turn your back on something, someone like that? Yet every time I meet her, she tears me apart, sometimes without a word spoken. A cruel game in which I was the toy. Used for amusement by both her and her lover. Someone to talk about at the dinner table. A conquest. I wonder if theyre proud. Theyve managed not only to break my life apart, leave me with no husband but also left me with the cross to bear that I am in love with a woman.

A woman. Ive never done anything with one before, until her. Now my thoughts are so confused in my head that I may as well be swimming in them. Im morning two ex lovers, and all because of one of them. I guess I deserve it. Cheaters never prosper, wasnt that what we were told at school? But the heart is untameable. It will fall for whoever it wants regardless of whom it is and how much we decide otherwise in our own minds.

A torture that sneaks inside our skin and slowly bleeds us dry of everything except guilt, sorrow and shame. I wish to forget her, to just wake up and have it all blown out the window like dust in the air. I know they look at me as someone that had it coming to her. Do they even know why I feel the way I do. Clearly not and Im tired of trying to explain, theyll never see it through my eyes anyway. Yes I understand my feelings for her will get me burned. Yes, I know that I should forget her and give up, but that is the catch.

Its a situation hard to explain. I do not wish to feel the way I do for her any longer. I truly dont. I despise my own feelings. Yet if I try to leave her, forget her, it feels as if Im slicing myself open with a butchers knife. That old saying cant live with them cant live without them. Really plays a part here. Why is it I feel I feel I need to be with her so desperately again? Is it really her Im after, or just the thought of being with her?

Yet Im told again and again that nothing will ever happen from her. How can there possibly be a second chance if their wasnt even a first? That there. That got me. We werent officially going out in the first place. In my mind we were but the truth being it had never been discussed, I had always assumed.

These demons inside which are haunting me have taken to tormenting me, plaguing with questions. For each question arises another suspicion, which leaves me with more knowledge which again leads to more questions. The more I know the less I understand and the more I dont want the answers to those questions in the first place.

So is this it, am I destined to be walking the earth forever more to be taunted by her memory? Where everything I see, taste, smell, reminds me of this woman I cannot have. I danced with the forbidden and it left me with blisters on my feet and an empty soul. Love is the slowest form of suicide. Everything would be so much simpler if we didnt have to feel it