Chapter 40 – Honesty

Tina rocked Bette back and forth trying to comfort her. Her need to provide comfort to Bette and protect her from any further pain of the nature depicted in her art was coursing through her body. She needed to be here for Bette. After a time, Tina pulled away from Bette far enough to look into Bettes eyes. Once again Bettes body betrays her as Tina reads in Bettes eyes just how much Bette needs her.

Bette looking back into Tinas eyes recognizes that Tina still loves her.

They still have a direct connection with each others soul thats deep, alive and working. If this connection was to survive Tina needed to more forward, was Bette ready?

Bette we need to go through some things. Can we do it now? Just get it done and behind us. What do you think? Tina asked not letting go of Bette. The physical connection was important and helped both of them communicate in a non verbal way.

Tina, I dont know what you want to hear but I can only be honest with you. I dont know if that will be enough. Bette managed through her tears knowing that nothing could explain or forgive all the sins that she had committed against Tina.
Tina could read the fear and apprehension in Bette eyes through all the tears.
Tina now pleading: I dont either but can we try?
Yes, were do you want to begin? Bette relinquished any control over this conversation but knowing that it had to be done.

Tina could understand Bettes apprehension and concern, felt she needed to take the lead. Tina knew what she wanted to ask, she didnt even need to think about it.
Why? was all Tina asked in a calm voice not wanting to antagonize Bette and not letting go of Bettes hips as she still needed to have contact with Bette.

Why? Bette repeated as if she had asked herself that same question a million times.
Why
Why Tina
The why is so hard to understand? Bette manages to get out at almost a half scream.

Honesty! Bette wrenched from her throat.

Why is complicated but the only way I can express it is with the word honesty!!! Bette finally managed with the tears streaming down her face.

What? What do you mean honesty? Tina now is confused and wanted to back away from Bette but is afraid of letting her go. She might turn away and run. Thinking that Bette was not being totally on the level with her but the feel of Bette. Her rigid, stiff body shaking uncontrollably told Tina that this was the absolute truth as Bette saw it.

Lack of honesty, Tina! I wasnt honest with you or honest with myself about so many things between the two of us. About the only honest thing I freely expressed was that I LOVED YOU. Bette looks down after this declaration burying her chin in her chest.

I wasnt honest when I let you believe that I could protect you.
Im not that perfect person I projected.
I wasnt honest when I let you believe that I would be strong for you.
I wasnt honest when I held my feelings away from you.
I wasnt honest when I wouldnt open up and communicate with you.
I wasnt honest when I didnt admit how much loosing our baby devastated me.
I wasnt honest when I said I would be faithful to you.
I wasnt honest when I tricked and cheated my way through business.
I wasnt honest when I let everything else become more important to me than you. I wasnt honest when I would come home and rant and rave at you for nothing you had done.
I wasnt honest when I ran away.
Bette started out in a low voice which got progressively louder and more passionate as she made her way through this list until now her body was shaking from the force behind each word.
When I added up all the dishonest acts, totaled them all up on some scoreboard somewhere, the results are staggering. I wanted to escape, turn the other way so I wouldnt have to look because if I really looked I would have to admit the ugly truth of it all. I couldnt be honest with myself or you. I wanted to run because it was easier than facing the truth or being honest. Candace was me running away from my own dishonesty. She didnt know me like you did. I lied to her. You knew me so well it was harder and harder to lie to you anymore. The illusion fell apart. As these last words came out of Bettes mouth with slow agonizing pain, she had the look of a sail which had just lost its last wind. There was nothing left standing just a fluttering cloth in a stagnant breeze.

Tina let all these truths sink in. She was running videos in her head of all the examples of Bettes dishonesty. Wave after wave hit Tina as each picture turned to the next but then she started seeing her own pictures also. Her own duplicity. After a moment she cried: It wasnt just you Bette! You cant believe it was just you! She looks into Bettes eyes trying to see if these truths are registering to Bette. As Tina now was the one who had tears running down her face. Bette seeing this reaches out and cups Tinas face trying to comfort her. Tina pauses and tries to control her tears.

Bette you werent the only dishonest one. I let you make all the decisions, going along when I knew your answers were wrong and I would twist and change myself to make you happy. I ended up not being honest with myself and not being honest with you. I hated who I became, the person created by all that twisting. It made me also hate you. This final admission crushed Tina.

Now the tears are really flowing down Tinas cheeks. Bette softly begins stroking Tinas cheek saying: Its OK Tina, Its OK. As they both end up slumping into each other for support.