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Journeys – Part 4
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Jenny writes in her journal.
Ana, what can I say about her? Shes beautiful, kind, gentle, considerate, attentive, and loving. I imagine everything a mother should be.
What do I say about my mother? My mother hated me. No. She didnt hate me. She just didnt like me very much. A single mother, with a limited education and working wherever she could get a job. Not much money to pay bills and pay for me. I was the over-burden to her already burdened life.
Told she had to move out at seventeen because she was pregnant, because they couldnt afford her, let alone her and her new baby. Her lessons of child rearing, received from these same loving parents, consisted of verbal abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse and Ive no idea if sexual ever came into play. But, I do know, the skills were formed.
Her resistance was great and the moments of weakness not too common. But, they were there. And do I blame her, no. Do I resent her, no. They were her demons, never challenged, never wholly recognized until now.
Sarah, my rebel, my nihilistic self, refused to accept the pain and held my anger for me. She would seek the love I so sorely craved keeping me company in our days of solitude. She showed me how to find the edge, that edge so close to the pit, but never letting me fall. Life experiences, found in dark places and at a moments notice, she wanted me to write about them. She knew it was the writing that would provide our escape. Those were her weapons, my defenses, the demons that spawned Sarah and came to torture me.
If someone looked close, would they see? She did. No, not Marina, the counselor saw. She saw and for the first time, I believed they could be destroyed, cast out. But there was a great fear in destroying them, for whom will I become, who will take their place. Am I her, has she been formed, is she being formed, or am I wearing masks.
Masks so well detailed even I dont realize them. What if they are masks and the masks were removed? One by one, uncovering the ugliness thats lurking deep inside, who would be revealed? Would she be, a lesser or greater version, of my mother?
She told me I was doing well, but that included seeing her twice a week, once with and once without, Marina. Shes not here in Spain. Shes not where I need her, close and securing to this Jenny. What if one of those triggers occur, will I deal with it based on this new self, or will one of the masks be removed, leaving me closer to the reemergence of hidden demons.
Marina loves me, emotionally, intellectually and physically, and in such a way I dont believe the demons exist anymore. I think this is me, the new me, without the demons. I think.
She never raises her voice to me and never would she raise her hand to me. Never ridiculing my thoughts, my writings, me. She is soft and gentle, encouraging me to write, encouraging me to grow, and making me a better person. I like me when Im with her.
No longer do I feel the same overwhelming need, to be loved by everyone, as I did before. Im no longer angry at the world, believing it to be ugly and deserving of my indifference, to its rules and expectations.
Farther from anything known to me, than I have ever been before, and yet I feel strong and safe, safe with me, safe in this home. This place where Ana lives. This place Marina loves.
But, what if
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As Marina reaches the door, she notices it lying there on the floor. She picks it up, opens the cover, and traces his words as she had done many times before. She had left it here those countless years ago, leaving in such a hurry, causing her to abandon it, unintentionally.
Ah, the leather string still marks her last reading.
Quietly she opens the door, unsure if Jenny will be sleeping or writing. She looks so small and fragile in the chair against the large glass wall, Jenny, youre still up.
Ive been writing in my journal. Turning and sitting sideways in the large wooden chair, Marina, your mother is so nice. I really like her.
Im sorry I left you alone so long, its just my father and I talked… I needed to think awhile.
How did it go? Did you talk about, you know?
Some Marina had a distant look in her eyes, as if she were still deep in deliberation. Rare is the time when she is not Marinas first thought, her last thought.
Jenny searches for something that will tell her what this look means, Is something wrong? Do you wanna talk? Are you tired? Do you wanna go to bed? This look, its far, far away from where they are.
Whats that in your hand?
Oh its Borges, El hacedor, you know Dreamtigers, softly smiling as she opens the cover and moves towards Jenny handing it to her. Look inside.
Oh my God, he signed it. Where did you get this?
Marina considers for a moment, My father must have put it by the door. Turning towards the bathroom, He knows how much I love Borges. And now he knows, how much we love Borges. She smiles a backward smile to Jenny as she enters the bathroom.
I didnt lie. He did leave it there. He does know how much we love Borges. Okay, I didnt tell her it was a gift from Francesca. I didnt tell her she gave it to me the first night we made love. She doesnt need to know. What good is there in telling her when it may upset her?
Did you wanna take a bath? Marina is startled by her voice being so close, she jumps.
Jenny reaches out her hand to touch her arm, I didnt mean to sca Marina draws her arm away unwillingly reacting, not knowing she was going to, not knowing why she did. Jenny draws her head in, as she does when she doesnt understand, when suddenly she feels threatened, and stares at her.
Marina reaches for her, Im sorry Jenny.
She steps back and into the bedroom as Marina calls out, You just startled me. Thats all.
Jenny stands just out of her sight, uncertain of what just happened, uncertain how to feel about it, uncertain with Marina for the first time in many months.
Marina shuts the door and takes a shower, alone.
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When Marina finally returns from her cleansing of her body her mind, she finds Jenny in bed with her back turned. As she gets in she turns to Jenny whispering, Are you awake?
Jenny lays still, eyes shut, unresponsive. Marina gets comfortable on her side, facing away from her.
A tear forms in her eye, slowly trailing over her cheek, Jenny is alone.
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She hadnt slept long, awakening before light had dawned, once again returning to the gardens haven.
Marina, how many times do I have to say it, this isnt love. Were not the kind to love. Marina turns from her.
Darling Marina, what has been so terrible this past, what four no five, years? I come here, to your school, so we can see each other without your parents knowing. I come see you whenever Im between jobs. We get these lovely hotel suites where they treat us like queens. How is that so terrible? All the while Marina had refused to look at her as Francesca continued to touch her and coddle her.
Finally, Marina turns on to her back looking up into Francesca eyes. Why do want to be with me if you dont love me? Eyes dark filled with hurt and sadness.
Because no one, no one, excites me the way you do. I make love to you and its like making love to a piece of art. A precious, rare, remarkable piece of art is waiting here, just for me. That would be very difficult to turn down, dont you think. She leans to kiss her, catching only the side of her mouth as Marina turns from her.
Francescas caress stops, No matter where I go, I always return to you. No matter who else I meet, I always come here to be with you. Darling, you have to let this go. Im afraid if you dont, it will become a burden and something Ill no longer want. I hope you understand.
Francesca gets out of the bed, Im going to shower and go out for awhile. You need to get up if you want to come with me.
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She brushes the hair back from her face, Marina, what troubles you so early in the morning? Marina responds to the soft soothing touch, looking up at her with tragic eyes, tears forming, tears safe in her presence, why, why do memories haunt us, even when we dont want them too?
Ana steps behind her, tenderly pulling her daughters head back to rest against her breast, stroking the hair from her face, Sometimes, we are handed more than our hands can hold. We must put some of it aside, if we are to take in more. But, not always, is it easy to see this, before it happens. Youve taken on much, and youre searching for what is to be, put aside. She kisses the top of her head, Thats not a bad thing, its a necessary thing. Thats all.
She leans once more to kiss her daughters cheek with a loving pat on her shoulder, Im going to fix breakfast. If youve put away enough for today, why dont you wake Jenny. Then we can go to Andalucia to shop.
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Jenny woke alone in the room, tears threaten her eyes. She breathes deep refusing them then goes to the shower.
Marina hears the water running and begins to remove her clothes. She pulls back the curtain and steps in between Jenny and the water. Jenny wipes the water from her eyes, they are sad and defiant.
Jenny Tears well up in Marinas eyes, voice broken, Jenny, I I love you.
She thinks for a moment before responding, Maybe its been too much all at once, the baby, your father, this trip. Marina nods and Jenny reaches for her, wiping the dripping wet hair back from her face. Water, slowly streaming over her eyes, down her cheeks and neck, she begins to relax to its soothing caress and Jennys loving touch.
Marina looks at her, give me the rag, Ill wash you. Jenny smiles a soft impish smile, I dont think so.
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Laughing as they play their way down the stairs, one touching the other in forbidden places, stopping and kissing, hard and hungry, Marina, I think I could stay in bed all day with you today. You have me so hot for you.
Marina takes a step down and turns to her burying her face in her chest, nuzzling against her, Nooo, Im going to torture you all day, make you wait, and wait, and wait. She bites Jennys nipple then skips on down the steps, grinning at her as she turns to go on, to the kitchen.
Jennys left on the steps with her mouth gaping open and her eyes heated with wanting.
******************************
Marina grabs Ana leaving a sloppy kiss on her neck, Ahhh, you did that on purpose. Go sit down, while I fix you a plate.
Good morning, Ana, Jenny steps up to her side and plants a soft kiss on her cheek, Can I help? Ana leans her head back, kisses Jenny on the cheek, Go join your little fox at the table. Ill bring your plates.
So, if I remember correctly, Thursdays are your date night, is that right?
They both smile looking at each other, then at Ana, Yes.
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I love the whole series so far. It’s totally great! I hope they won’t end. Also, I hope that Jenny’s baby would be a girl.