Moms car wasnt in the driveway and I thanked my, for once, lucky stars. I went inside and scoped out the fridge grabbing a handful of wickedly sweet grapes, downed them like candy and then went back for more. I chased that with some fudge swirl Haagen-Dazs. I didnt have any assignments so I went to my room and fell straight into bed, and straight into a sleep fit for the dead. Mom must have thought that I was dead too when she found me hours later, she tried to shake me from the devils embrace of deep slumber, she shouted for Greg to bring her ice water and threw it in my face. Needless to say that did the trick, it also made me want to scream. Instead I madewell in retrospect, not the best decision. I shifted to a upright position shakily, thought twice, but when she insisted I drag my rubbery bones to the dinner table I looked her straight in the eye; and for the first time (that she would remember, or that she was sober.) I told my mother, ***** you. Okay that was a mistake. Her eyes popped wide and her jaw dropped like a concrete slab. She reached out taking hold of my shoulders and shaking me. What did you say? Even confused as ***** I knew better than to repeat what I said, I shook my head. Tell me. So she was testing me, I guess I flunked. I said, ***** you. Thats what I thought you said. She slapped me so hard my teeth rattled and spit flew. Dont ever say that to me again. I dont know where it came from but I dissolved into exhausted tears, mom did too. Tina, what is going on with you? I couldnt dare tell her the truth. I didnt know what kind of lie would suit. I started with an, Im sorry. Genuine, I may add. She sat on the bed beside me and put her arms around me, hugging me tightly. Im sorry too. Youre not in trouble are you? Trouble? Oh all sorts of trouble. Just none that I would want to tell her about. These new friends of yoursare theyokay? I dont why parents can never just say or ask what they mean, ask if theyd led me down the path to *****. Youve got so much promise. Well if she did ask, I dont think Id own up. Confess that I had taken the lead on this perilous journey. Please dont throw it all away. My mind suddenly churned love. Mom loved me. Colin loved me. Bette loved me. Dorian loved meIm pretty sure Gwen may love me. Nate loved that I was a virgin. Although that was a lie. But who loved me more? Who loved me the most? Now, please come down to dinner. I did. I sat at the table with a blank stare and my head spinning. There was something suspiciously liquidy whooshing between my ear; I tried not to look like the space cadet I felt like. I struggled to form coherent sentences around megabites of chicken and cornbread, I waited for the axe to clobber me. Mom never said a word about the reason for the red marks on my cheek and not only did she not punish me; she let me off being grounded. Forgiveness was granted. I made some important decisions that night; appreciate my mother and Greg, focus on school, and hunt for Tina. I managed that for about a week. I hit a reasonable stride at school; settled into the rhythm of classrooms, quizzes, and assignments. I hung out with Taylor and Gavin and swapped summer stories since I hadnt seen them really since the end of high school. I told them all about Bette and I, somehow Gavin wasnt surprised, I majorly edited my Houston trip. I did my best to absorb the family energy my mom was trying so hard to recreate; meals, Sunday church, and even a family outing. I managed all of this without thinking about the monster or what any of my interests (Bette, Dorian, Gwen, and Nate) might be up to. Until on day both Dorian and Bette wrote me, Nate called, and Gwen showed up to take me home after classes. All in one ***** day. Backpack bulging I climbed into Gwens SUV. Where have you been, I asked. I moved into my own place actually. Good explanation. Why didnt you call? I did. You were grounded remember? Okay that was a shakier. Not for the last two weeks. I wanted to give you some space. A big fat awkward silence. Giving herself space. Tina, Im not exactly your type. I looked her in the eye. I dont have a type. I thought it might be the lifeguard type. Okay LA may not be a tiny town, but word travels like its ***** Podunk Idaho. I mean, its not like we have an exclusive thing I know. My cheeks were burning, I hate having such fair skin, emotions written clearly. No, we dont. But I really like you. She smiled, her eyes lighting up. I needed to hear that. I like you too, a lot. I went out with Nate because I was flattered, really, I havent really been that experienced with going out with people. I mean there were two people that were ever really interested in me. Thats really hard to believe Tina. I took it totally wrong and huffed, Why because Im such a *****? She stayed totally cool. No, because youre so beautiful. Tell me about them. I told her all about Bette and Dorian, by the time I was finished telling her about my summer and the little pre-school trip, I still loved both Bette and Dorian; but I was falling for Gwen. So why was I so hot to return the phone call waiting for me when I got home? Hey its Nate, give me a call. I want to see you again. Ill bring the refreshments this time. I made it through the whole week perched on that pedestal. How fast could I make it down? As I considered the answer I saw two letters addressed to me; both sets of handwriting almost bringing me to tears. I tore Dorians opened first. Dear Tina, Hows school? Im actually thinking about going back now. Its really tough though, what with worrying about mom, Ralph (yeah she likes a guy named Ralph can you believe that?), and Lynn. Shes talking better now and can get herself to the bathroom, I guess thats good. I saw Andy the other day. He didnt even mention you, but why would he really right? He was with a new woman; shes not bad considering shes with him. Ha Ha. Are you with anyone special? Half of me really hopes so, the other half wants you to be all mine. Theres this pretty cute girl at school, Giselle, I think shes giving me the eye. I mean I know I could get her. She kinda looks like you a little bit. Im thinking about asking her out. Maybe you didnt want to hear that, but youre like my best friend, the only one in the world I could tell that to. I want to hear everything about you too, weird huh? So, do you have a girlfriend? Boyfriend? Is he a jock? I remember about Kevinhaha. How safe are these letters anyway? Does your mom read them? I wonder if Giselle parties. Doesnt everyone? Okay maybe not. Write soon. Love, Dorian Giselle? She liked some girl named Giselle? Did she speak French or just give it? Maybe I really didnt want to hear that. Why the ***** did I read her letter anyway? I wonder if Andy had called and sold me out to mom? Whatever, I forgot about Bettes letter and reached for it quickly, barely containing myself as I tore it open giving myself a papercut I barely felt. Hey Tee, (Tee, oh god I missed that.) I hope you get to read this before your mom throws it out or something. Is she okay with me yet? Does she still think I poisoned your mind to the ***** side? I havent heard from you in a while, maybe you lost the address or something; or forgot my number. Ill write it at the end if you did. Are you home yet? How did the trip with your uncle go? I hope he was a nice guy and that you had fun. Are you going to come out this way? I mean you said you wanted to, I understand if you change your mind or something, Ill be home this summer if you dont come out, so we can see each other then. I miss you so much it hurts to think about you. This house is so big and empty and I keep thinking about how much fun we couldve had if you werent sent away like that. Did you end you going to school or are you just working? Have you met anyone? I kinda hope you did, someone that treats you right, with all of the ***** youve had to put up with I dont want you dealing with someone thats going to hurt you. Ive been dating kind of, no one sticks. I guess theres no one out there that could match you. Youre still my best friend Tina and you always will be, I would love to talk to you. I hope youre doing okay. Write me back or maybe surprise me with a call. 610-555-2718. Love you always, Bette What the *****. I dont know why everyones so concerned with me. Im not a child. Shes dating? Dating who? I was overcome with the biggest sense of jealousy with both Dorian and Bettes letters. What gives them the right to just think that theyre the all driving powerful forces in my life, like things revolve around them. (Now at the time this internal battle seemed rational.) I definitely didnt feel like calling Bette and getting in to all the ways that she would now not understand about me. But I wondered if I should call Nate and set myself up. Or maybe I should call Gwen and ask her to score for me. Would she do it if I asked? Would she walk that wire for me? Do I really want to risk the decline in my school work? Chance further alienation from my mom and the family environment? Had I completely lost my mind? Did I really want to get high? You bet your ***** I did. The monster shouted, where have you been, my sweet Sadie. Hurry back to me. My blood pressure bloomed, my head pounded. Need rose up, pumping violently through my veins. All I could think of as I reached for the phone on my nightstand were big fat ivory lines, waiting to whisk me away to a netherworld far beyond my door. Gwen was busy Friday night. So I did a really intelligent thing and called Nate for a (sorry for the rhyming) date and asked him to make a buy. Can you get me an eight ball? I figured an eighth would last a little while. It cost me $250 which I had saved for the move to Philly. But hey, I dont think Ill be going, at least for a little while, I had too much fun going on here. Illicit fun now settled upon I hung up the phone and decided to grace my family with half-hearted company. I couldnt wait for Friday, no doubt Nate expected a form of payment for getting me the good, a finders fee I guess. And I bet its my non existent virginity, whatever, I could always say no couldnt I? He pretended to be the perfect gentleman. Nate arrived at my door and introduced himself properly, politely. We told my mom and Greg we were going to dinner and a drive-in double feature. No doubt food and money were the last things on our minds. Not that we had the same things on our minds. As we drove up the mountain his hand crept up my leg. I let it do exactly that as I watched for a safe spot to pull over. We drove back off the highway, deep into a grove of fresh scented evergreens and carried a blanket back into the trees. He pulled out a bindle, which looked kind of short, and a six pack. For the next twenty minutes we snorted and drank, climbing to a very tall buzz. We talked and joked and giggled. It all seemed like it should. Until it didnt anymore. It started with a kiss. Crank-revved, pistons firing full bore, passion firecrackered (lol yes I really just said that.) in tiny bursts from thigh to belly button. Oh baby, I want you so bad. I was so smashed. B-b-bad to the bone? We laughed but it wasnt a joke, not for long. My shirt tore open. Wait. Ive waited for weeks. Put up and shut up. Kissed segued to bites, bruises and pain rippled through my body. Nate, please stop. No. You promised, you little tease. Off came my jeans, at least down enough. Down went his zipper. I realized I was in serious trouble. Ill scream. Go ahead, itll be exciting, no one can hear you. Even though he said this I opened my mouth and his hand clamped down over it. Those once sublime muscles hardened. Just relax, youll love it. Brand new Victorias Secret shredded., and I felt the worst of what was in Nate pause, savoring my terror. They all love it. Had he done it a different way I might have responded with excitement. Instead. I froze as he pushed inside. He was excited, thinking he was my first, and for the first time in four years I was happy that Kevin was. At least he acted like he cared the first time. Oh God, there it goes. And it did go, not my virginity, my mind. It went all right, with a audible tear. Pain mushroomed into agony and all I could do was go stiff. I laid there, sobbing, as he worked and sweated over me. Stoked by the monster it took him a long time to finish. Give me a line, Ill give you an encore. He pulled away, sticky and slightly bloody. I was throbbing inside and out, I didnt move, didnt dare look at him. What the ***** is the matter Sadie? I stared up at the clouds, drying salt tightening my face as the warm wind whipped in gathering everything to gloom, the clouds shrouded the moon. My names Tina.