CHAPTER TWO

The crying never stops. Even in my sleep I wake up and Ive coated Alices pillow case with my tears. I sleep in Alices bed with her because Im so damned afraid of being alone. I think Alice is afraid to leave me alone even when Im sleeping, especially when Im sleeping. Shes taken care of me in a way that makes me realise just what an amazing friend Alice really is.
But even that makes me think of Bette. What shes done to me has made me realise how happy Bette made me. You take everything for granted once it becomes routine, and I suppose thats where we both fucked up. I hate what Bette did to me. I think of what she must have done with Candace and it makes me sick. These things shouldnt be allowed to happen. Even through our bad patch, and I know that we were having one, I still never in a million years would have thought Bette would have been capable of this. But I still cant bring myself to hate her. I get these flashbacks of the two of us, of the two of them, and I dont know when Im feeling disgusted or missing her like *****. A part of me just wants to run back home, throw my arms around her and tell her that I forgive her for everything, and no matter how much I try to deny it infront of Alice, I would. She could kiss Candace infront of me and I know that I would still want her. But I cant let myself. If Im going to have any dignity left then I can not let her get away with this. Shes broken my heart, and still Im petrified that the reason she hasnt rang, she hasnt been by, is because shes with her.
Shes giving you time Alice reassures me, but I dont believe it. I dont believe anything anymore. At night when I lie next to Alice, pretending to be asleep, while shes pretending to be asleep, I think of Bette and I wonder if my hearts still beating, if she hasnt just ripped it out entirely.
It used to be that no matter what the situation anything could be resolved with a kiss. Bette would make love to me and I would feel all of her and all of me together, connecting in this perfect amazing way. She would kiss me and it would blow my mind. But when my mind replays the last time we touched, it makes me shudder. I was so angry, if she hadnt pinned me down to the bed I think I would have beaten her with all the hate and sadness I had.
Im still working, although how good a job Im doing is another thing entirely. The nights are lonely enough, I dont want to have to spend my days thinking over everything too.
Apparently Oscar says that Im withdrawn and that if I ever need a sturdy shoulder to cry on, Im to pick his. I thanked him, and said that Alices is like steel.
Everybody’s helping me. Alice, Shane, Dana, Marina, Jenny, Ive got an entire support group. But I feel guilty because I know that Bette has nobody. Alice has spoken to her, and Shane has tried to, but shes unreachable. I dont like to think of Bette alone. I know that I should hate Bette, and a part of me does, but I cant hate her. I can only hate what shes done. What shes done to us both.
The phone rings somewhere in the distance and it will be seconds before Alice answers it. Bette? My heart stops in my chest and I half walk half run to the bedroom door, and press my ear against it. I dont think so Bette. Its been weeks, you cant you just ring up like your asking her to meet you for lunch She sounds so serious. I wonder what Bette sounds like. You know Im like some wounded, needy animal, crying out for my owner to pet me. Ive always been the one to do the running. So when my brain tells me to snatch the phone from Alice and talk to Bette, I ignore it and crawl back into bed.