CHAPTER 5

Reputation:
The general estimation in which a person is held by the public.
The state or situation of being held in high esteem.
A specific characteristic or trait ascribed to a person or thing: a reputation for courtesy.
[Middle English reputacioun, from Latin reputti, reputtin-, a reckoning, from reputtus, past participle of reputre, to reckon, think over; see repute.]

Shane’s feet seem rooted into the ground.
She is motionless in the middle of her bedroom. Her half-full bag on the bed. Several clothes spread all around, dangling from the drawers, laying on the carpet.
Her eyes stare at nothing.
She exhales and rubs her face.
“Fuck… Fuck, fuck, fuck… I am fucking everything up again… Fuck…”, she whispers.
Then she sits down on the bed, trying hard to calm herself.
Why did she do what she did?
Why did she kiss her?
She couldn’t help it.
She acted on impulse, it was urge, it was a chemical, physical propulsion that she couldn’t stop, it was the sex drive, it was.
Love.
Have I ever stopped loving her, Shane asks to herself.
Haven’t I worked hard enough to banish her from my heart.
Am I falling in love with her all over again, as I hinted without even noticing it.
Or maybe is she the only defibrillator for my deaf blind heart.
Is she my cardiotonic.
Shane bites her bottom lip in frustration.
Yeah.
All those options are probably true.
The day she left Carmen, something inside of her started to remain perpetually unheard. That whispering voice that said: you’ve made a mistake. You made another mistake after promising you were going to try to behave differently.
You decided at Carmen’s place what was good and bad for her.
You decided for both of you.
And that’s what you got.
A lonely room, a foreign city, a cloudy sky, the taste of her lips on your lips while you’re alone and she’s somewhere else.
Backfired.
Does it hurt, Shane?
Does it hurt?
Shane squeezes her eyes for a long time. For a second, she starts thinking that she doesn’t wanna see anything, she doesn’t wanna hear anything, she doesn’t wanna feel, she doesn’t wanna know.
Imagine this dark, noiseless place. Imagine a black, oily sea where you sink, deeper and deeper, not feeling anything. No pain, no hurt, no fear, no anxiety. Nothing. Just those black waves and you.
Is this what you want.

”Hello.
Is there anybody in there?
Just nod if you can hear me.
Is there anyone home?
Come on, now.
I hear youre feeling down.
Well I can ease your pain,
Get you on your feet again.
Relax.
I need some information first.
Just the basic facts:
Can you show me where it hurts?”