When you try your best, but you don’t succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can’t sleep
Stuck in reverse
When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can’t replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

High up above or down below
When you’re too in love to let it go
If you never try you’ll never know
Just what you’re worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you


I silently stare out of the hospital room window and I feel tears well up in my eyes, threatening to spill over. For 6 long months this hospital has become our home. You see 6 months ago Dana, my Dana was diagnosed with breast cancer. Back then we were ready to fight the cancer, Dana was strong and the prognosis for women in their 30s over coming breast cancer is high. But back then we didn’t know the cancer had spread to her bones and was in effect incurable. Silently the tears stream down my face, as I turn my head to look at my precious angel sleeping at long last. When I remember back to the initial diagnosis a numbness washes over me. I can remember none of what the doctor said. What I do remember is the grip tightening over my hand. Dana was silent the whole time, that tight grip on my hand was the only indication that she took in what she heard. I held her hand tight, silently and with that one gesture, telling her we would fight this all the way. Silently we travelled home, aimlessly making our way into the apartment. I turned my back to shut the door and heard a cry escape from her lips, as she buckled and fell to the floor. In one movement I was beside her on the floor, holding her tight slowly rocking together. Her tears fell onto my chest, as mine fell onto her hair. As darkness fell over the apartment, we remained on the floor. I am too in love with this woman to let her go, so I broke the embrace so we were facing each other. My hands ran over her face, drying any stray tears as I whispered “Dana, we are going to fight this, together. We are going to try everything there is to try, we are strong and we can fight this.” She silently nodded in agreement as I pulled her close to me again. Still to this day, im unsure of how long we remained on the floor. it’s a day I visit in my mind regularly, but I can just never tell. Dana started treatment almost straight after the diagnosis. As we sat on the hospital bed, I ran the brush through her beautiful brown hair. I took in every strand, remembering how it smelt, what it felt like to touch. All the things I’d took for granted not only in the 2 years we’d been together, but the 12 years we’d been friends. How one simple act of brushing some ones hair, would mean so much, be so precious. As her first chemotherapy treatment ended, she weakened almost immediately. Her body weakened and she became tired. She couldn’t hold down food and was constantly sick and nauseous. I would sit beside her on the bathroom floor rubbing her back, hoping the small gesture offered some comfort to her. I felt so helpless the only thing I could do was provide comfort and support, but it never seemed enough. How I wanted to take all of the pain away, do the treatment for her. No matter how hard I wished or prayed, I couldn’t so back rubbing, having crackers on stand by for sickness and being someone to cry with was what I done. After the 6th round of chemotherapy, Dana had to go for tests and scans. We were hopeful the results would be good and show an improvement. It had been four months of fighting the diagnosis and we thought we fought it well. We sat in the consultants office, with a little hope in our hearts. We knew the odds, we knew she had a good a chance as any. As the door opened I held her hand, turned my face to her and smiled. She give me a beautiful smile back and gently squeezed my hand. Slowly and silently the consultant sat behind his desk. The look in his eyes took the smile from my face and made my heart bang in my chest. Although I hoped she didn’t, I knew Dana seen the look in his eyes too, as again her grip tightened over my hand. Slowly the words flowed out of his mouth “Im sorry Dana, but the tests show the cancer has spread to your bones. Im so very sorry.” I don’t know whether I realised what he was saying, but I asked the only thing I could, the only thing that would give us hope. “so what do we have to do to fight this. More chemo, what?” the reply he gave sent a shiver to my soul “Im sorry, im afraid the cancer is too far advanced to continue with treatment. Dana, there is nothing more we can do, do you understand what im saying.” silence filled the air for no more than a second, before allowing the shrill cry of Dana to fill the air. The loud cry echoed room, ironically it slowly deafened me. As Dana sank into me, I realised with a hard blow we tried are best, but we didn’t succeed. The cancer had won and I was going to lose the most important and only person I have ever loved. In that moment every other part of my life froze and faded into the background. The little time we had left was going to be spent together. A week later me, Dana and the gang went to Paris, the city of lovers. We took in the sites, went for walks and canal rides. One whole week enjoying each others company, but knowing this would be the last time the whole gang would ever go on holiday together. On the morning of our last day in Paris Dana sat me down on the bed, saying she needed to tell me something. “Alice, I have always known I loved you and wanted to be with you. The only part of dying that scares me, is the thought of never seeing your face again. I don’t want to leave you, but I know I have to. I can feel it taking me slowly away from you and it terrifies me. I want you to promise me that you’ll let me go when im gone. Im not saying don’t mourn me, just don’t let grief take over your life. Remember all the good times we had together and take comfort in our friends. When im gone, know that I will always be with you. The cold air on your neck will be me blowing on it, the warmth that will surround you as you sleep will be me wrapping you in my arms and the sensation of something on your cheek will be me running my hand down it. I will stay with you forever and always because the love I have for you goes beyond this world and into the next. You will still feel the love I have for you, because I will continue to give it for an eternity.” I broke down completely at that point as Dana dried my tears and held me close. I didn’t want to leave Paris that day, not only because of the special memories it held in that week, but the fact I knew it was bringing me closer to the time when I’d have to let Dana go. How am I going to move on, how can I let her go. We spent the next 3 weeks doing all of the things we thought we had a lifetime to do. We had dates, dinners, concerts, you name it we done it. Every day Dana got weaker and weaker, but she refused to give up, carried on going on countless dates. Then one night I found Dana sat at the window silently crying. I sat beside her and held her close. No words were spoken because in an unspoken language we knew this was it, our time together was coming to an end. So that is how ive ended up here, in the same hospital room, staring out of the same window. As I walk over to Danas bed and her eyes flicker open. Needing every ounce of strength in her body she mumbles “Alice, I love you. Can you hold me for a little.” I reply “Dana I love you too and I will always be holding you.” I give her a gentle kiss on the lips and lay my head on her chest as my arms wrap over her waist. I hear her heart beat slowly as I feel her chest rise and fall slowly under my head. I close my eyes and let the seconds tick by. All too soon the beat of the heart and the movement of the chest stop. I bury my face into my precious Dana and cry. My Dana is gone and is never coming back. I want to keep her wish and let her go, but I don’t know if I can. As the song goes When tears come streaming down your face, when you lose something you cant replace, when you love someone and it goes to waste, could it be worse.