Chapter 3

As Bette drove toward the Hollywood sign, Donna was flipping through her book to read as much as possible about the icon that she would soon lay her eyes on to fulfill a long-time dream.

“Did you know the sign is guarded by park rangers and security cameras?” Donna shared as Bette maneuvered through traffic. “It’s like the sign is just as important as a celebrity.”

“I remember when I first saw it,” Tina smiled. “Bette took me Beachwood Canyon to see it when we were first dating.”

“You didn’t see it when you first came out here?” Jackie was surprised at her sister’s admission.

“No, I wanted to share it with someone special.”

“Well we can’t go to Beachwood Canyon to see it,” Donna piped in. “Tina needs to see it from a different view so it’s new. The book says there are 4 different places you can see it.”

“Too bad Alice isn’t here,” James teased. “She could make us all pose to personalize the pictures.”

“What?” Tina asked confused.

“She made Jackie pose on the ‘L’ on the sign at the airport.”

“She what?”

“They really did come out nice,” Jackie smiled remembering the seductive pictures. “She has a way with a camera.”

“You have no idea,” Bette mumbled.

“And she… WHAT?” Tina’s head swiveled quickly from her sister to Bette in response to her statement. Bette waved her hand at Tina, indicating now was not the time to discuss it further.

“Both hands on the wheel Bette, these roads are as windy as an angry hognose,” Donna suggested.

“Hognose?” Bette whispered in Tina’s direction.

“Snake.”
“Ah. Wonderful.”

“Let’s go to Lake Hollywood to take the pictures,” Donna continued. “It’s at the top of a hill, but we’ll be fine if we all put our sweatshirts on.”

“It won’t be that cold,” Bette assured Donna trying to avoid having to wear her souvenir from the airport. “We should be ok.”

Bette maneuvered the car through the tricky directions Donna provided her from the backseat.

“Careful around this sharp turn Darlin’,” Donna warned.

They all watched as scenery flashed by their eyes as they moved closer and closer to their desired destination.

“There should be a light up here after the curve,” Donna warned. “You might want to slow down.”

Bette reluctantly slowed the vehicle down to please Donna as she began to bark instructions once more.

“This will be a sharp turn to the left, be careful about tailgating.”

Bette looked over at an amused Tina who was struggling with holding in her laughter. She bit her lower lip in a last ditch effort that proved futile as she began to chuckle.

“You realize you’re driving home don’t you?”

“I’m used to it,” Tina smiled as she struggled to control her laughter.

“You cannot believe the history of the sign,” Donna informed the car as she ignored the banter between Bette and Tina. “Stars actually sponsored letters that were in desperate need of a facelift to make the sign the amazing landmark that it is today. It’s been in so many movies too, it’s the perfect co-star don’t you think?”

“I think its career is suffering from being typecast,” Tina teased as Bette now struggled not to laugh. “It was over after it starred in ‘Earthquake’, the sign never had a chance after that.”

“Shall we all bow our heads for another career lost in Tinsel Town?” Jackie teased.

When James laughed, Donna’s elbow quickly nudged his ribs to silence him.

“Why are you always elbowing me?” James asked his mother. “Tina and Jackie are the ones making fun of the sign.”

“I know you were thinking much worse,” Donna said as she fought her excitement and worked to sit still.

Bette followed the signs directing her to the spot where observers were able to park and take pictures of the landmark. Once she parked the car, the Kennard family piled out of the backseat eager to see the sign.

“Look at it,” Donna said softly as she stared at it with tears in her eyes. “It’s beautiful.”

“It is impressive,” Jackie agreed handing her mother the camera.

“Why are you handing this to me?” Donna asked.

“To take the pictures you want.”

“Are ya’ll crazy?” Donna asked with a smile. “You know I don’t know how to work sophisticated electronics.”

“It’s a Polaroid,” Tina said. “You push the button and the picture shoots out the front.”

“If Alice can do it, you can.”

“Thanks for the vote of confidence Jackie,” Donna handed the camera to James. “You take the pictures.”

James began to take several pictures of the Hollywood sign walking to different areas of the park before Donna called him back over.

“Take one of me and the girls please,” Donna said as she hugged Jackie and Tina close to her body. “Bette that means you too Sugar.”

“Oh,” Bette walked over and stood next to Tina smiling.

“I want one of you and Tina too alone, I’m planning on having the local shop blow it up into an 8 x 10 to hang on the wall.”

“You don’t have to do that Mom,” Tina said sensing Bette tense.

“She’s blowing a picture up of us?” Bette asked under her breath.

“I think it would look perfect if you put your sweatshirts on,” Donna strongly suggested walking back to the car to get them.

“Please no,” Bette begged Tina. “We’ll be labeled queens of the ‘Urge to Merge’.”

“It’s the beginning of the lesbian death bed syndrome,” Tina teased as she hugged Bette close. “Nobody that knows us will see it.”

“Alice. Need I say more?”

“Here are your sweatshirts,” Donna handed one to Tina and one to Bette with a proud smile. “Let’s see the ‘Sun Your Buns’ slogan, it’s what really makes the sweatshirt.”

Tina slipped her sweatshirt on as Bette watched with a look of dread on her face. Tina untucked her hair from the collar of the sweatshirt and urged Bette with an arched eyebrow and head nod to do the same.

“For me?”

Bette reluctantly put the sweatshirt on as she sighed loud enough for Tina to hear it.

“Sun your buns in hell,” Bette murmured so only Tina could hear her while she plastered on her best-posed smile. “Sun your ass in a sweatshirt, which is a bit of a contradiction anyway.”

“It’s a sweatshirt,” Tina snapped under her breath. “It won’t kill you.”

“It could if I throw myself off this hill from embarrassment.”

The thought alone made Tina burst out into laughter after the final picture was taken and they were left standing alone while the Kennards took other pictures of each other with the sign as the background.

“I’m a bit concerned about this suicidal tendency you’ve developed since meeting my family,” Tina teased.

“Isn’t that what in-laws are for? Well in-laws and Alice.” Bette replied.

“So that’s now your answer to everything Bette? Throw yourself off cliffs and hills to your demise to avoid a sweatshirt?”

“Not just hills,” Bette smiled as she continued to tease Tina. “I can throw myself out of a window at home.”

“Oh yeah, that drop from our one story house would be brutal,” Tina laughed. “You might actually sprain an ankle.”

The light teasing was interrupted by the sound of Bette’s cell phone ringing in her pocket. Tina rolled her eyes as she watched Bette scramble for it and roll her eyes at the number on screen.

“Speak of the devil…” Bette grumbled.

“…and she rings your cellphone,” Tina finished, waving as she headed toward her family, leaving Bette to deal with Alice.

“I hope you’re happy,” Alice said quietly.

“Al? I can barely hear you.”

“That’s because I’m still at The Planet and trying to talk softly so I can’t be heard,” Alice informed her friend. “Guess who rode their horse into town already?”

“Do I dare to ask?” Bette shot back.

“Natalie,” Alice quickly said. “She had 4 bags Porter.”

“And?”

“Could that be more indicative of the U-Haul syndrome?” Alice hissed back. “I’m scared.”

Bette’s response was a loud laugh as words escaped her to adequately calm Alice’s fears.

“Laugh it up Porter,” Alice said as she rolled her eyes at Bette’s reaction. “You’re not out of the woods yet. I’m sure you’ll get a surprise or two while they’re here.”

“More than the present?”

“That was classic.”

“If you could only see me now,” Bette mumbled thankful that Alice had missed what she said because she was already rambling on about her concerns over Natalie.

“She showed up with a baby.”

“What?” Bette was genuinely surprised.

“It’s not hers,” Alice clarified quickly. “Believe me I was prepared to submit to a paternity test.”

“You realize that you could have made a lot of money if it was yours? You could go to the Enquirer and sell your story.”

“Lesbian world renowned writer impregnates ex-girlfriend’s wife’s cousin,” Alice snorted. “That would make people look twice at the headlines.”

“That would do wonders to break the stereotypes of lesbians,” Bette said sarcastically.

“I didn’t say we were wearing flannel.”

“So I think I’ve missed the point of this call because I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do about your predicament.”

“I’m not asking you to do anything,” Alice said. “I was just calling to tell you that we’re all going back to your house to swim since we’ll all be eating there later anyway.”

“To swim?”

“Well,” Alice laughed. “Dana wants to supervise the creation of the signs. I think she has a maximum limit set on glitter per sign.”

“It’s not funny Al,” Dana said in the background. “Tell Bette I don’t want glitter!”

“We’ll see you at home,” Bette conceded as hung up the phone quickly when Tina approached her side.

“What was that about?”

“Your U-Haul cousin is in town, with a baby apparently, and Alice wants to sell that story to the Enquirer.”

“What story?”

“You had to be there,” Bette dismissed the confused look in Tina’s face. “They are going to our house to swim, Dana will be supervising the creation of the signs for her match, and apparently there is a glitter limit.”

The Kennards made their way back to the car while Bette and Tina were debating the sudden appearance of a child with her cousin.

“Maybe it’s a friend’s baby,” Tina offered weakly.

“Who has a baby?”

“Mom,” Tina looked at her mother ignoring Jackie’s question. “Did you know Natalie was going to have a baby with her when she came here?”

“Certainly not!” Donna held her chest in surprise. “I couldn’t imagine my sister not sharing something that big with me if she adopted.”

“The only way we’ll know is if we head home and ask her,” Tina said getting into the car quickly.

“Let’s not forget our stop at the art supplies store,” Donna chimed in from the backseat. “Those signs have to scream ‘Dana Fairbanks’ so she wins!”

Dana paced back and forth as she talked to her manager from Bette and Tina’s kitchen. She had decided to stop procrastinating the dreaded phone call that would result in her box being cleared so enough of her guests would have seats.

“Can we do anything about the camera angles?”

“What?”

“The cameras,” Dana tried to sound casual. “If we could maybe bribe them to not show my box on-air that would be great.”

“Who are these people?”

“Just friends,” Dana put her head in her hands as she balanced the phone between her shoulder and ear. “My gay friends and some of their family members that are making signs to support me.”

“What kind of signs? We can’t have them ‘outing’ you since we’ve carefully constructed your social reputation with Harrison.”

“Harrison is more of a girl than some of my friends!” Dana shot back. “If his mannerisms don’t give him away, the shell necklace that only him and Don Johnson wear is a huge neon sign that says ‘look at me’ I’m as gay as the day is long.”

“Shell necklaces aren’t the in thing anymore?”

Dana sighed and hung up the phone quickly when the front door opened and the group walked in complete with bags of supplies.

“Hey Darlin’,” Donna walked in and placed her bags down on the kitchen table. “You have to see the stuff we have to make signs for you. Did you read some of the book I gave you?”

“Um,” Dana looked panicked at the amount of bags that were piling up. “I haven’t had a chance to yet.”

“If your match is in a few days you better get readin’ so you can practice the exercises.”

“Exercises?” Dana’s voice cracked as she fought the voice inside her that screamed for her not to ask any more questions.

“The mind exercises,” Donna tried to jog Dana’s memory. “Thinking you will win will produce a win.”

Donna carefully laid 4 pieces of poster board on the ground and knelt down to smooth them out. She gathered the other bags and began to empty them near the signs to begin construction of the masterpieces when Alice walked in.

“Wow,” Alice smiled as she draped her arm around Dana’s shoulder. “Talk about going all out, you’ll have 4 signs!”

“Everyone can hold one,” Donna said as she arranged the stencils she bought to ensure the letters were perfectly created. “I think we should all make one so it’s personalized to show Dana our support in our own special way.”

“What should mine say?” Alice knelt down smiling wickedly at Dana to taunt her. “Dana, my favorite outdoorsy gal?”

“Al,” Dana warned.

“Dana Fairbanks,” Alice snorted. “The next Billie Jean King!”

“Power to the lesbian?” Jackie offered laughing to indicate it was a joke.

Bette and Tina stood next to Dana watching the various degrees of horror cross her face as Alice brainstormed ideas for her signs. Donna emptied the last bag out, which contained an obscene amount of different colored bottles of glitter.

“What’s that?” Dana asked quickly.

“The rainbow pack of glitter,” Donna smiled up at a shocked Dana.

“Rainbow?” Dana swallowed the lump that had formed in her throat.

“There’s a window right over there,” Bette nudged Dana as she talked softly. “Throw yourself out of it and you might injure yourself enough to not have to play.”

“Don’t tempt me,” Dana muttered as she slumped on the couch and hid her face in her hands.