Im drifting. I laying here on my couch with Mrs. P, the kitten whos now a cat that you got me years ago to try and mend my broken heart. You always tried to mend me. God you are good at that. She is nuzzling me, rubbing the top of her head to bottom of my chin. You fit so well there. I cant believe I let you go. I want you so much. I love you so much. I cant breathe. What did I do? I dont get it. I never have, I just keep ***** things up. I find good things in my life and I just throw them away. Well, I dont throw them away. I just try to manage them. Im so torn. I know I cant manage life or peopleso when I try I just end up ***** it all up. But I cant help it. I need to keep some control. I need to be able to direct my life. I cant live waiting for the other shoe to drop. It always drops. I didnt want it to. Why did I tell you that it was over? Why do I think its over? I should know better by now. You’ve proven it to me over and over….more than I ever deserved…yet.

Wow, how you make me feel loved. How can I feel so loved and so vulnerable at the same time? Only you can do that to me. No one else. When you hold me I know I am safe. I know that no matter what happens with my career, my family, I have a home. Do you have any idea how that feels? I am loved for me. Just Dana. Nothing else. The championships dont matter, the photo shoots are irrelevant. You look at me and see who I am and love me for it. I threw you away. But I was trying to save you. You understand that, right? You know I did it for you, right?

You are so much better off. Like this, well have each other forever. Well be on rocking chairs on a porch somewhere laughing at the people walking by on the street. But as a coupledamn.I want itbut it wont work. It never works. You can try to believe its good. Look at Bette. She is a shell of her former self. She was this woman we all were in awe of, well except for you. You knew her too well and saw through what we all believed. But look at her now. She is in a relationship for three years. Three ***** years Alice. She met this woman and felt good and thought it was better than being alone. But she is empty. She is nothing without Tina and Tina left. She left us too. She picked up, said it hurt too much and left us. We get to see her one week a year and get a Christmas card of her and her family. Her family doesnt include Bette. It doesn’t even include us anymore. Do you get it? Do you understand?

I remember the first week we were together. I couldnt control myself. I couldnt believe that my best friend, by best BI-SEXUAL friend wanted me. You could have anyone and chose me. You are so beautiful. Even more so because you don’t see it. Damn you made me feel good. My skin was on fire anytime you were in the room, let alone touching me. You made me feel more alive than I have ever felt in my life. And the sexfuck. I dont know what to say. I didnt know it was possible to feel like that. You know when you look at someone you love and you want to throw them against a wall and ***** them yet somehow at the same time as wanting to softly be together and make love to her. Who knew it could be combined? I certainly didnt. You threw me for a loop. Or two or two or three or four. *****. I had it all. I had more than I deserved. More than anyone could. You would look at me and I knew. I mean I knewI was loved. Unconditionally. Completely. I didnt deserve it, but you gave it to me anyway. My mother never loved me like that. But you. Still, you do. Even when I broke your heart, you do.

What did I do? I know I did the right thing. You are my friend. I will get to keep that. If we keep this relationship going Ill lose you. Ill lose you like I lost my mother and like Tina lost Bette and like we lost Tina. I cant I cant take that pain from you. You got upset when Michelle started going on tour with me. She is my trainer. She makes sure my physical pains dont stop me from succeeding. Thats all. But you didnt believe it. I guess you were right in one way. But not completely. She was never you. No one could be you, Al. She could never replace you. No one could. She’s safety. She wants me and doesnt even know who I am. She just wants Dana Fairbanks, Wimbledon Champion. Not Dana, person. She cant hurt me. She cant take anything away cause she has nothing of me. You have all of me, You can take it all away in one moment.

I cannot survive that. I cannot survive you hurting me. You say you wont. Youve been wonderful. Youve always been there. But I know. I know reality. Reality isnt that kind. It doesnt let people be happy. Someday Ill be on tour. Ill be gone for a few months. Youll go out with the girls. Shane will take care of you. Youll drink. Maybe too much. Maybe Gabby will be there, maybe someone you dont even know yet. But someone wholl be there when Im not and that will be enough. And youll hurt me. Youll deserve to. I never deserved you. I was never good enough. Im goofy and awkward and me. You deserve so much better Al. But I cant wait until you hurt me. I cant survive you hurting me. Michelle can. It wont mean anything. But you. *****. Its my life. I cant wait until the day you realize you deserved better all along. I cant do it. I cant risk you. I want you. I wanted you the day I met you, but even then I knew better. Why did I let myself believe for so long that you could love me? I cant risk our friendship. I cant live without your love. My friend will always love me. Im sorry. Forgive me. Understand me.