Dear Jodi,

I want to start this letter by saying I love you.  You changed my life completely, and I thank you for letting me in to your own world.  The discovery, I would say, was one of my finest journeys. 

I also love that you didn’t let me get away with things, especially when I try to control everything.   I know that most of the time, I think of myself almost too highly.  And look at what it has done to me.  I was an utter mess before you came into my life.  I wouldn’t say that it’s easy because then I would be lying.  But I did learn a lot from our misunderstandings.  

You opened my eyes to things I refused to hear and see.   With you, I feel like there’s a higher plane for everything.  I’m in love with your passion and absolute dedication for something you love to do.  Art for you is not just a way of life, it is life itself.  And I couldn’t understand it any better.  You and I are really something. 

I could believe that there’s a good chance for us to make it, except that my heart says otherwise.  When I truly search myself, I know that something’s missing.  Or, I may have already found it but with someone else.  

I want you to know that I tried so hard to ignore it or to at least try to delude myself into thinking that everything’s fine.  But it’s not.  As much as I want to make things work for us, I know that it will only be a futile desire. 

So when will all these lies end?  At some point, I found myself digging deep into this query.  It pained me the most knowing that I had to lose the best person I’ve had, and it’s most unlikely that I could still meet someone nearly as amazing as you are.  I want you to know that the last few months have been excruciating.  Not because I’m with you, but because I know that I have to make a decision sooner than I wished for.  When I look at you, it’s like I’m stabbing myself slowly to death.   I care so much about you that the last thing I want to do is to disappoint you.  

I know that you gave up a lot for me.  But I can no longer let you live in a lie.  You deserve so much more.  If it hadn’t been for Tina, I would be willing to try forever with you.  But as much as it would cause you agony, I had to be honest.  Tina has always been my first, last, and forever.  She’s the first woman I’ve truly fallen in love with. 

The reason I can’t give myself fully to you is that she had my heart right from the very start.  I’m afraid that if there’s one thing I couldn’t control, it had to be this. 

What I’m doing to you is utterly disgraceful, and I’m not proud of it.  Even after a few years from now, I wouldn’t be free from guilt knowing that I’ve hurt a truly wonderful person like you.  All I could wish and pray for is that someday, you can find it in your heart to forgive me.  I’d also be the happiest to know that you’ll soon find someone to fulfill your life in ways that I haven’t been able to.  I know you will.  Just keep in mind that I loved you and still do.       

Again, I’m sorry. 

Bette

— 

Tears were falling, her hands trembling.  She put away the letter, and finally let it all sink in.  Jodi’s devastated.