The floor is cold under my feet, and I haven’t really realized how cold it is. The room spins a little and I can feel the food in my stomach, weighing me down. The few steps to the dresser are uncertain, wobbly things and I feel sick…or drunk. When was the last time I took anything? The dresser firm, stable holding me and I see her in the little mirror on the top. There are three of her…wait maybe two…my head swimming and I can only wait for it to pass. I watch as the Carmen’s finish there breakfast, I follow them as they get out of bed as they walk towards me. I feel her hands making it stop, and I see her eyes so clear. I feel it leave my body, like the way smoke leaves a room slow and steady.

“Are you alright?” shit this is going to be a hard couple of days.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” breath and it will be okay.

____________________________________________________________________________________

Lying on the coach, Shane’s arm around me, and I feel at home. It’s almost like I was lost, wondering around looking for a way back home ever since she left. I missed this the most, just lying with her watching old black and white movies. Her hand is shaking a little in mine, and all that I can think of is that fear that I felt when I saw her hit the water. What it was like waiting for her to come out, and I know that we have to talk…that something’s not right.

I don’t know what to say…how to start it. I love her hand, how it fits so well with mine…almost like they were made to fit like they do. I love all the lines of her palm, the little scar right under her thumb…how my fingers look when they’re wrapped around hers. Maybe it’ll stop shaking if I keep it in mine, if I kiss each finger.

“What are you doing?” I really have no clue I’m just trying to figure out how I’m suppose to say these things that run through my mind when I’m around you.

“Nothing, just looking at your hand,” her head resting on mine. And I can hear her heart beating faintly against her chest, the sound so soothing, hypnotic. It’s what makes it clear, “why did you do it Shane? Why did you jump?”