Then Candace came along..

and I committed the ultimate betrayal. I ***** curse the day that I met her. If I had just stayed home with you where I belonged the night of Kits performance, maybe I would have never succumbed to cheating. Cheating, how I abhor that word. And now I will carry that label for the rest of my life. I look in the mirror each day only to see a cheater looking back at me. God how I ***** despise myself, despise what I have done to you, to us.

Bette drops her head and places it in her hands and begins to sob. The tape then pauses for a moment. Tina is sitting, intently watching the screen. She shows no emotion on her face, however, her tears are flowing freely. She is having a difficult time taking everything in, but she doesnt want to stop. She needs to hear everything Bette has to say. She never realized the battle that had been raging within Bette. How could she have missed it? She is also taken back at Bettes openness. Never in their entire relationship had Bette been so verbally expressive with her inner most feelings. Looking into Bettes eyes she could see so many emotions, regret, pain, guilt, anguish, sorrow. The anger as well as the coldness that she had developed towards Bette was beginning to soften. She focuses back to the TV waiting for Bette, needing to hear whatever more she was willing to share. Bette returns momentarily, again with red, swollen eyes and continues:

T, there is no excuse for what I did, but please know that I was not myself at the time. I was so lost. I was weak and vulnerable. You and I were so out of touch with each other and I allowed her to push her way in. I know you probably dont want to hear about all this, but I need to tell you. Maybe that is selfish, if so, you can chalk it up as another reason to hate me. Thats a list that must be getting incredibly long after being with me for seven years. God, how I wish we could have had this conversation face to face, but I understand why you couldnt. Please believe me when I say that she was the biggest mistake of my life. I wish I could take it back. Erase all the pain I have caused you. It had nothing to do with you Tina. I know you dont believe that or understand it, but it is true.

I will forever regret not turning to you back then, but you were finally doing so much better after the loss of the baby and I didnt want you to see how far I had plummeted. I didnt want you to be disappointed in me, ironic huh? I dont know why I let it happen or how I could have had such a total lapse of integrity. She just came on so strong, so confident. When she came to the CAC to discuss the job during the time when you were in Palm Springs, she made her intentions known. At a time I was feeling like such a failure, so insignificant and she reached out and wanted me. I guess it began that day, at least that was when I first let her kiss me. And for a brief few seconds I kissed her back. But I then pulled away and told her she should go. I was so ashamed of myself for letting it happen. God how I wish now that I had just told you about it when you got home, maybe things wouldnt have escalated to the level they did. I am so sorry I lost my way and caused you such pain.

Nothing more happened for weeks. Well, I guess that is not entirely true. She was continually asking me how I was, if there was anything she could do, doing the little things that you would normally do, but at the time werent. And please dont take that as me trying to blame you, that is not my intention. I am just trying to express what happened. I wont hurt you more than I already have by going into details, but please know that I never had any feelings for her. It was meaningless *****. That probably doesnt make you feel any better to know that I threw away the most precious thing in my life for empty *****, but that is all it was. At the time, I just wanted so desperately to get rid of the emptiness that had developed deep inside me. I needed to feel something, anything. I dont know what was going on in my crazy, fucked up mind, but I know I will be sorry until the day that I die for allowing it to happen, for losing my self-control.

So much for my strong convictions. You once told me you loved me for them. I guess when I fell away from them it was easy for you to stop loving me. I do hope some day you will stop hating me and remember some of the good times we had. I know I do, they are all I have left anymore. I am sorry for making you regret the day you ever met me. That is something I will never be able to do. Our memories are all that I have to keep me going now and I will cherish them forever.

I am sorry you felt that you needed to seek an attorney, rather than just talk to me. I would have given you whatever you wanted. Did you not believe me when I told you what was mine was yours? On second thought, why would you believe me? After all, I vowed to be faithful and true, never to hurt you and look what I have done. I keep hoping I will wake up and this will all be just a bad dream. But it is not. It is a nightmare of my own creation that I now have to live with forever.

I am sorry for so many things. I could go on forever. If only I had the chance to do it all over again. I would be a better partner to you. I would share my inner most thoughts and feelings with you. I would never let you doubt my love for you. I would tell you and show you each day how much you mean to me. I would never take you for granted again. I would never break your heart again. I would never be unfaithful again. I would love you and cherish you with all that I am. God, I would have given my life to have a second chance with you. *****, I would have given my life just to have one more chance to talk to you, one last chance to see your beautiful face, your loving smile, to hear your warm and gentle voice. I know there is no way to redeem myself, but please know that both you and the baby will be forever in my heart.

There is another pause in the tape. When Bette returns, Tina instantly notices a difference in her. It is as though she is detached. Tina figures she is just drained from expressing all the intense emotion. Bette carries on:

Tina, I sincerely hope that this hasnt made things harder for you, as that was not the intent. I just felt that it was in both our best interest to get some of this aired out. I do wish the best for you and the baby. And I want to thank you for giving me the happiest days of my life. I was lucky to have had you for those seven short years. I want you to know that I will do as you have asked and stay out of your life. Although it will break my heart, that is the least I can do for you. Besides, I am not strong enough to keep fighting you on this. It hurts to much each time you shut me down. I know that I deserve it, but that doesnt mean its any easier.

I guess the one thing I have learned through all of this is that I love you enough to let you go. Be happy Tina. As for me, I shall go and try to figure out how I am supposed to live a life without you and my little girl, a life without meaning. I dont know where that journey will take me, but I do know it shall be a lonely one without you. So I guess I am off to salvage what is left of the not so high and mighty, Bette Porter, if that can be done. Take care of yourself, Tina. I will miss you and I will forever be a prisoner of your love. Goodbye Tina.

Bette reaches for something, gets up and then walks away as the Tony Rich Projects Nobody Knows begins to play. As Tina listens to the music she places her face in her hands and begins to sob uncontrollably.

I pretend that I’m glad you went away
These four walls close in more every day
And I’m dying inside
And nobody knows it but me
Like a clown I put on a show
The pain is real even if nobody knows
And I’m crying inside
And nobody knows it but me
Why didn’t I say The things I needed to say
How could I let my angel get away
Now my world is just a tumbling down
I can see it so clearly But you’re nowhere around
The nights are lonely The days are so sad
And I just keep thinking about The love that we had
And I’m missing you
And nobody knows it but me
I carry a smile When I’m broken in two
And I’m nobody Without someone like you
I’m trembling inside
And nobody knows it but me
I lie awake It’s a quarter past three
I’m screaming at night As if I thought you’d hear me
Yeah my heart is calling you
And nobody knows it but me
How blue can I get You could ask my heart
But like a jigsaw puzzle It’s been torn all apart
A million words couldn’t say Just how I feel
A million years from now you know I’ll be loving you still
The nights are lonely The days are so sad
And I just keep thinking about The love that we had
And I’m missing you
And nobody knows it but me
Tomorrow morning I’m hitting the dusty road
Gonna find you where ever Ever you might go
I’m gonna unload my heart
And hope you come back to me
Said when the nights are lonely…
The days are so sad
And I just keep thinking about The love that we had
And I’m missing you
And nobody knows it but me