I had awful dreams. Dreams about losing her. Dreams about losing everything. And when I awoke in a cold sweat, breathing desperate and uneven, I realized my dreams were simply cinematic preludes to what could soon be my harsh reality.

I looked over at Ashley. Her body rose and fell evenly, indicating a deep sleep. I imagine her dreams weren’t haunted by the turmoil that the truth could cause. I envied her and immediately hated myself for it. There was no reason to envy a woman who was being kept from her child by my own brother. There was no reason to envy a woman who could learn our truth and be forever broken by it. Ashley couldn’t handle disappointment again. We hadn’t known each other for very long, but I could already sense she had been through too much and had seen too little for the trouble.

Suddenly, she moves next to me, reaching for my waist as her eyes flutter open.

“Spencer…”

“Hey,” I whisper, grabbing her lost hand and leading it to its destination.

“Hi,” she whispers back, smiling as soon as the words leave her perfect lips.

“I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. You can sleep.”

Her eyes grow wider, “But you’re awake.”

“Yeah, I am.”

“Why?”

“I was just thinking about…I was thinking about you.”

Not completely a lie.

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Good things?”

I swallow hard, knowing that once the lying started there would be no going back. We would be tainted by it indefinitely. But what else could I do? What other choice did I have?

“Of course.”

She grins wider this time, “I like sleeping next to someone I actually like. I’ve missed it. And it’s even better that it’s you.”

“Is it?”

“It is. It really is,” she says, and I can tell she’ll drift off at any moment, “I’m so glad we found each other…you and me. It feels right.”

I move fallen strands of chocolate brown hair out of her sleepy eyes, kissing her forehead before I respond.

“I completely agree.”

“I’m not sure why, Spence, but I feel really close to you. There’s this…this connection between us. It’s really intense.”

I consider laying it all out on the line, coming clean with the facts that I had just acquired. And maybe she would hate me. That was a definite possibility. But there was also the chance that she wouldn’t. And minute by minute, moment by moment, I became more convinced that she and I could be the best thing that’s ever happened in my sham of a life. I want to save us. And I’ve heard that honesty can do that sometimes. But when I look down, ready to tell her everything simply to see if this supposed honesty thing truly works, she’s gone. Her eyes are closed and that calm, even breathing has returned. I can feel my nerve slipping already.