Sometimes, I get lost in numbers…twenty-four hours in each day, sixty minutes in each hour…it doesn’t matter…it all ends the same, ten. After ten years, I’d honestly given up on ever seeing you again. But there you were, neatly typed on a cheap invitation, flimsy paper, fluttering, catching sunlight and shadows in my clutching hand. I stared at the words a long time, remembering, feeling you moving beneath me still. I surprised myself by throwing you away. Almost making it an entire block before running back, I dug frantically, searching beneath soggy buns and oily meat. It felt right that you were stained this time. I added a new crease, right across your face. Your black eyes stared accusingly until I stuffed you in my pocket.

Recently unused, my voice is a hoarse rasp as I request my ticket. Cash, no receipts, no trail, I merge, becoming one with the crowd around me. Guess it’s true, what they say, old habits die hard. No one knows where I am, where I’m going and for some reason, that comforts me. I understood perfectly, this was your message, to me. It was selfish and self serving, but then I’d grown to expect that from you. Over the years you faded, edges curling as age worn promises mixed with my tears, smearing.  Now, straining, I hold you up to a naked bulb only catching outlines, ghosts. My voice echoes in this empty space. This can’t be what you wanted.

A small smile tugs at my lips as I settle, burrowing into my first class seat. A loud ding sounds and its official, no cigarette for the next six hours. I’m counting the minutes ‘til I get to you. I know you can hear me, I’m whispering against your ear in the dark. My voice cracks and I can feel you smiling into my neck. Your lips are wet, your breath, so warm. I want to bottle this moment, cork it and throw it so far out that it’ll always float in the gentle, lapping blue of your eyes. When you look at me, I know you can feel it too. Soft hands pull me closer as timid fingers trace my jaw, my cheeks, my mouth. It’s your first time and I don’t have the words for this. My hands move between us, slowly as I stare into your eyes. Your smile warms me and I’m finally safe here, in this moment, with you.