I don’t need anybody to tell me that living like this isn’t healthy, because really, I’ve known that since the very beginning. But somewhere along the line I stopped caring about myself. All that matters to me now is her and her happiness, even if that doesn’t involve me.

Foolish? Most likely. Does she feel the same way as I do about the circumstances? I wouldn’t bet on it. Should that matter to me? Probably, but it really doesn’t.

The truth is that I live for any type of acknowledgement from her, always have. Even as it has diminished significantly over the years, just hearing her voice every month or so is enough to get me by.

Lately even that is a rare luxury. These days all I’ve heard from her is that ringback tone. That aching, slap in the face every single time I hear it. It wasn’t enough to not answer my phone calls; she had to go and set it to a song that she knows will kill me each time I hear it. That song she used to play just for me over the phone late at night when the distance was too unbearable.

So as I lie here in my bed, hanging up for the third or fourth time after only getting her voicemail, I think about the countless memories. The song currently playing on my Ipod hits a certain soft spot and almost brings tears to my eyes, that is if there were any left.

I can’t help but identify with the verses, the words that describe my exact thoughts.

"When you try your best but you don’t succeed,

When you get what you want but not what you need,

When you feel so tired but you can’t sleep,

Stuck in reverse.."

I don’t know how much sleep I have lost over the years because of her. Whether it be phone conversations or the thoughts that just won’t go away. I just always feel so tired.

"And the tears come streaming down your face,

When you lose something you can’t replace,

When you love someone but it goes to waste,

Could it be worse?"

I’m pretty sure that Coldplay took those lines directly from my thoughts. Unoriginal, mind-reading bastards.

"And high up above or down below,

When you’re too in love to let it go,

But if you never try you’ll never know just what you’re worth.."

I can’t help but laugh out of bitterness at that last line. Even if it is somewhat true, I don’t think letting go of the best, yet most painful thing in my life is going to make me feel worthwhile. At least that’s what I’ll keep telling myself. I need all of the excuses I can cling to to justify this sick, degenerative cycle that I continually subject myself to.

"Lights will guide you home,

And ignite your bones,

And I will try to fix you.."