“Come on, let’s go for a walk.”

He’s voice is all gruff and low and I know what he’s asking for and I know I’m going to give it to him. We use each other, I always make that clear when I start up one of these pseudo relationships with someone. I’m not in it for declarations of love and devotion. Not that I actually indulged in these relationships as often as most everyone at school assumed I did. Virgin I’m not, but I wouldn’t say slut either.

I turn to Spencer and hand her my car keys.

“Hey, baby, could you give these to Kyla. She can take my car home, I’ll find my own way back later.”

Only when Glen gives me a weird look do I realize I called Spencer baby again. I guess it’s her new nickname from me, she really does remind me of the innocent Baby Houseman from Dirty Dancing. All bright eyed and shy smiles. Not that she’s smiling now, just giving me this quiet look as she takes the keys.

“Yeah, no problem, I’ll tell her.”

And with that she walks away.

Three hours later Chris drops me off at home. I’m pretty tired, we drank quite a bit and ended up back at his house. His parents had gone out for the evening and it was all ours. The sex was okay, it always is with Chris, but it was still lacking in something. I can never put my finger on it, the thing thats missing. Maybe it’s the fact that it’s so mindless, so without meaning, but for me it can’t be any other way. It’s best if I don’t put my finger on that missing something, maybe finding it with someone could just end up hurting me even more. So I forget it, I just bathe in the temporary glow it provided me with. I need the release, the few moments of oblivion from my life. From my memories, the things that haunt me.

I’m surprised to see my car in the driveway, for Kyla it’s early to be home. I find her in my room, going through my cd’s. Like she was waiting for me.

“Hey, you’re home pretty early.”

I fall backwards onto my bed and stare at the ceiling, feeling my eye lids droop. I force them open, reminding myself I have to catch a shower first, I can smell Chris all over me.

“Yeah, Spencer has a curfew.”

I nod, that sounds about right. She looks like the kind that would have a curfew, her parents probably stayed up to make sure she kept it too. I wonder if I’ve ever had a curfew, I don’t think so, I’m born and bred in LA after all. Parents in our circle are too cool to give their kids curfews, or maybe they just didn’t care enough.

“Did she have a good time after I left?”

Kyla looks down at the cd in her hand and gives a little shrug.

“I guess so, she got a little hammered though. Did you have a good time with her before you left?”

I smile for what must be the hundredth time as I remember how we danced, how she pulled funny faces and sang loudly with the music.

“Yeah, I did. She’s pretty nice, I get why you hang out with her.”

Kyla nods her head with a small smile on her face.

“You know, I totally wouldn’t mind if you wanted to hang out with her too, I’m not one of those people that are super jealous when it comes to their friends, I can share.”

I think about this for a second, about spending time with her, about becoming attached.

“Whatever, I’m tired. Think I’m gonna hit the shower and sleep.” I’m half way out the room when a thought strikes me. “Oh, where did you and Aiden disappear to the whole night?”

Kyla stiffens for a moment, her face sagging.

“He sat crying by the pool half the night, about stuff. You know?”

I know what ‘stuff’ she’s talking about. Stuff with Aiden meant the baby. I’m not stupid or selfish enough to think losing the baby only ever hurt me.

“Yeah, I know.”

I left the room and hit the shower, doing my own crying about ‘stuff’ for a good few minutes under its warm spray. Later, as I lay in bed staring at my ceiling once more before sleep took me, I saw a flash of sad blue green eyes in my mind. I wondered about that sadness. That was the last thing I remember before gratefully letting the darkness take me.