PRESENT…

            Up to this very moment I can still remember every single detail that happened that day. It was the day that ruined my life and hers. The day that made me realize how she was the very important person in my life. The weather was bad that it just seems to coordinate with what I feel inside. It was raining very hard the cold air keeps rushing through.  I lost her not because destiny separated us from each other but because I chose not to be with her. It wasn’t my intention to leave her without even saying the main reason but you see I just couldn’t. I’m afraid that if ever I look at her brown I eyes I get caught up and just hold her and never let her go. Love was never a question in this because I do love her very much that it kills me to let go of what we shared. So I walked towards her determined to break with her.

            FOUR YEARS AGO…

            She saw me coming and started to smile as she approached me, “Baby I missed you. I was worried for a while I thought you won’t come, I’m glad you’re here with me.” I just looked at her with all the love I felt inside. She sensed how odd I’ve been acting. That has always been a bind between us we can sense how the other one is feeling without even saying it and it is what’s happening right now. “Hey, what is wrong? Can you please tell me what is bothering you?  You have been acting weird lately then you won’t even answer my calls. Is it your mom? Is she bothering you again?” She asked me at once. She is amazing in every way. She has been very good to me and what I’ll do in exchange? I’m going break her heart! Fuck!!! God I can’t do this to her. I love her soo much but I have to do this or else…

            “Hey…Baby! Wohooo, are you with me?” she asked with amusement in her voice. “Ah..hh..I ahh…I..”I answered back. The truth is I can’t fine my voice to speak to her. All I know is that I’d rather not speak forever than talk to her only breaking her in the end of it. I just stared back at her then she laughed so hard. I’m really gonna miss her laugh like this, like she’s soo free and alive. “Hahaha…hahaha..Ohh baby cat got your tongue now?” she asked. She was laughing very hard and after awhile she noticed that I didn’t bothered to even smile a bit.

            “Clearly there is something bothering you. You can tell me please please tell me…” she begged.

            “I don’t love you anymore.” I said without even looking at her, I focused at my hands. I can’t look at her right now.

            “What?! If it is a joke could you please stop it right now! I’m not enjoying this.” Even if I can’t see her I know she has been staring right at me. I can feel that see is worried only by hearing her voice.

            “Baby, look at me. You love me, right?” she asked. “Baby, you love me right?” she asked me again while she holds my hand with her one arm and the other trying to hold my chin and make me look at her direction.

            “I don’t…” I finally look at her direction and I can see tears flowing down. I can feel that her grip was tighter like she did not want to let go. It’s like she was holding for her life. My tears were flowing as well the instant I looked at her. And as soon as I said those two words she cried harder and hugged me.

             “I’m sorry…” then I removed her arms around me and run away from her, away from the woman I love more than my own life.  I can hear her calling out my name and running after me but I was faster than her. When I can no longer hear her voice I stopped. My knees were weak from the run and from the pain in my heart. I can never forgive myself for what I have done to her.

            I am Spencer Marie Carlin “the” supermodel who left her girlfriend that loves her very much because of that my life is miserable…