Chapter 7

BELLA'S POINT OF VIEW

My mind is tumbling, an avalanche of thoughts. Bad thoughts. Thoughts about not wanting Edward; wanting Jacob instead. My heart is beating wildly, like my life is on the line. It probably is. I’m already lucky beyond belief that I didn’t die from a heart attack. Maybe this will set it off. Questions burn in my head, a savage fire that is taking control. Why the sudden change? Well, ok it’s not so sudden. But why? Have I gotten over him? No. I’ll never get over Edward. I was so sure. I was so sure I wanted him. I was so sure I loved him. I do. I still do. But I don’t know. What changed? I love Jacob more. Before it was just that I loved Edward, and I loved Jacob too. Now the roles are switched. I’m such a bad person. Rivers cascade down my cheeks. I’m hurting both of them, so badly. Edward’s out there, trying to save my life, the lives of the people of Forks. I’m here thinking about betraying him. But I went to Alaska for him. I went so far from home, and I didn’t even stay there to enjoy it! And then he didn’t even want me to stay there! Of course, that’s not the reason for the change. I don’t know the reason for it. The only explanation I have is that I got over him. That definitely didn’t happen. The next time that I see him, I’m probably going to die. But I think I’m sure. I think I’m sure that I want to be with Jacob, not Edward. Jacob’s more my level. I don’t pull him back as much, and he’s as crazy about me as I am about him. Edward’s different. He’s centuries old. He says his life was nothing before me, and maybe it was, but he's just so different from me, so alien. It's finally hitting me in the face. Edward's a vampire. Yeah, I know, what girl wouldn't want to be with a vampire? I'm friends with vampires. And Jacob's no better, he's a werewolf. He turns into a dog. I don't know why, I just know that I want Jacob. Jacob, not Edawrd. My Heart, and My Sun. But I was sure about Edward too. I just don't know. All I know is that I want Jacob. Jacob, Jacob, Jacob. He seems to be a part of me now. Like when Edward left, it was like a part of me was gone. No, a part of me was gone. Now Jacob is that part. I'm so evil. I deserve to die. Right here, right now. But I know, I'm going to do it anyway. Because, my lame excuse that Edward gave me, I am human.