You know how they say men think about sex every 15 seconds?  Well, I can do them one better- only it’s not about sex.  Ok, that’s a lie, my mind is often on that topic, i’m like a 16 year old boy.  But in my mind’s eye, my main focus is different.  I cannot go 10 seconds without thinking about Spencer Carlin.  In under one-six-hundreth of a minute I can go from completely distraught to safe and home- simply by thinking of my blonde-haired, blue-eyed angel.

 Just watch—Ok, it’s raining today.  Stormy, dark blue torrential skies.  It’s a very breathtaking color, like Spencer’s eyes.  Lets try again.  Monkeys.  Monkeys are cute.  They like bananas.  I like bananas.  They taste good.  Spencer tastes good….um…really good…yeah…creamy and sweet…possibly my favorite flavor.  Strike that.  Definately my favorite flavor.  One more try–a harder one this time—George Bush.  U.S. President.  The hall of Presidents.  Disney world.  Mickey mouse.  Cute ears.  Spencer Carlin.  Dammit!

 If you are keeping score I just went from zero to crazy in 2.5 seconds.  But it doesn’t matter.  Lock me up.  Put me in a padded room.  Chastize me.  Give me your worst- as long as I can still see her face, hold her, and tell her that she makes my life worth living.

There was a time when I believed Malibu was one of the most beautiful things in the world- simply breathtaking.  Well, I am here to tell you that it doesn’t even begin to rival her.  Spencer’s eyes shine brighter than the California sun.  The waves she creates in my heart- throughout my entire being, are so much more powerful than those that tempt the waiting shore. 

This is what Spencer does to me.  She takes hold, and I never want her to let go.

The problem is, she doesn’t hold me.  She won’t.  There was a time when I would relish these powerful feelings- think about her whenever I possibly could.  Then it was fine.  It was perfectly acceptable for me to dream of her because I knew she would be there to take my fantasies to a new level.  From a level of pure fancy- to a new and always exciting reality.

Right now, at this moment, I hate it.  Thought has become my enemy.  I even attempt it, and Spencer pops into my head!  I’ll admit it’s not all bad. In these recurring moments- for a half a breath, I am safe and covered in the memory of her love.  I wish I could stop time and wade in these warm waters forever.  But sure enough the moment ends and the gravity of my situation comes to the forefront of my mind.  I don’t have Spencer.  I never will again, and it’s her fault.  I’m am slowly breaking apart- a fine glass figurine left to the cold hands of chance and the harsh recitations of reality.

She doesn’t want me.  At least not enough to fight for me.

 I should hate her right? 

I can’t.  I’ve tried.  I just love her too much.  Spencer Carlin is the single most beautiful person I have ever met, inside and out.  There is nothing she wouldn’t do for someone who needs her.  Her one problem- her single tragic flaw (as she has only one)- she lives her life based on the expectations of others.  It kills me- it is killing me.  Moment by moment, wound by wound, jagged edge through sensitive skin. And what hurts most of all? I know for a fact it kills her too.  Maybe if I knew she didn’t love me I would be okay.  I know that sounds crazy, but maybe if I knew I never had a chance i would be able to move on.  Whoever said it is better to have loved and lost, has obviously never lost Spencer Carlin.  

I don’t care what Spencer is to the world.  She can be whatever chooses. I only care what I am to Spencer and what Spencer is to me- my savior, my lover…my oxygen.  She is the very air I breathe- the essence of joy and happiness.  She took it all away, and now i am just a shell.

 I’m sure you’re wondering what happened between us- how I lost the love of my life.

 I’ll tell you for many reasons, because until she returns I am frozen- stuck in my own personal hell.  Because misery loves company.  And because all I have left …is time.