I am never quite that lucky. “Scared of what?” She asks me.

“I’m scared that,” I pause. These words are not easy for me to say. She knows that, so she stays patient. “I’m scared that I will never be able to find this with anyone.”

“Find what?”

“What I have with you.”

Ashley pauses and I fear I’ve said the wrong thing. She knows the silence scares me, so she fills it with a simple “how do I word this?” mumbled into the air. “I’ve still never found it either, baby.”

With that she takes my hand and places it directly over her heart. “I love you, baby” She says as she kisses each of my fingers individually.

I kiss her shoulder. “I love you too babe.”

I want to ask her. I want to know why we can’t be together. I want to ask her. I want to know what she’s so afraid of. I want to ask her. I want to know what she sees when she thinks of us in a relationship. I want to ask her. I want to ask her to be my girlfriend.

This thought lingers a lot longer than it usually does – which leaves me tossing and turning in bed all night, no chance of sleep in sight. So instead, I get up, lift myself from bed and make my way to the chair. I grab my laptop and begin writing as the angel of my dreams sleeps no more than five feet away from me.

Why can’t anything just be simple? Instead of finding the answer to that, I stay awake writing until eight in the morning. When I decide to crawl back into bed, I don’t even bother removing my clothes. I’m much too tired to make much movement. Ashley scoots over in her sleep, almost subconsciously. I lay next to her and fall into deep slumber.

Crush…Crush…Crush two, three, four. Nothing compares to…

I startle awake at the Paramore song blaring through the room. What the fuck? “Hello?” I hear next to me. Oh, it was only Ashley’s phone. She talks to whoever calls, but I stay somewhere between sleep and wake. I can’t decide which way to go.

“You slept in your pants last night?” she asks me.