It had been seven months, two weeks and three days since the last time we had said goodbye. I wasn’t ready for it then, but I knew I had to accept it; I didn’t have a choice in it. You were set in your ways of leaving, and I can’t say I blame you. I deserved to lose you as my friend. But that never made it hurt any less.

I spent that time being depressed. I did my best to pretend happiness. I dated, I had a lot of sex, and I picked up a few bad habits. I drank like a fish, smoked weed like a 60’s era pot head, and even got into doing mushrooms for the falsified happiness. None of it ever made me feel better. The girls reminded me of you. The only people I dated were just like you. The alcohol made me think of you. The weed made me sleep, which was a nice change but it made me dream of you.

It would be entirely accurate to say that was the most depressing point in my life that I have ever experienced. It was rough. I even changed my entire appearance; I tried everything to get you to escape my mind. It was mission impossible, of course. I couldn’t help it. But I went on pretending I was okay.

Now, we are talking again and I feel as if I’ve never been happier. I’ve seen you twice in the last month and I felt complete. But old habits die hard. I continued drinking, I continued smoking and I felt relaxed while doing so. I didn’t wake up in cold sweats and I feel happy. And for once I’m not faking it.

Tonight you are coming over to spend the night for the first time in 8 months and I am nervous. But through my nerves I also feel a sense of home. I announce your arrival to my parents and ask them if they can allow us to have the living room to ourselves. They reluctantly agree. It isn’t that they don’t like you. But they saw every bit of depression I went through. They just want me to be careful.

I receive your text announcing your arrival. My mom gives me a look as if to tack a sign to you that says “proceed with caution”. I nod once in agreement even though I know that there is no such thing with us. We’ve never been the type of friends to take this shit slowly.