I’m barely breathing right now and I’m wide awake in bed.  Spencer is beside me and I know that she’s awake too.  Whenever one of us can’t sleep the other stays up just to make them feel better.  But she’s not making me feel any better right now.  She’s making me feel worse because every time she takes in a breath I think of Chris.  And I think about the fact that he’s going to be kissing her all the time now and holding her hand and smiling all the time.  I sigh and wrap my arms around myself for warmth.

“Ash are you awake?” Spence calls into the darkness and I don’t respond.  I’m not ignoring her or anything.  I just don’t really have any words.  So I turn over onto my back so that she’s knows I’m listening.  She doesn’t say anything for a while and I start to think that she has fallen asleep, until she sits up suddenly.  She’s not looking at me.  She’s looking across the room at my door, and her forehead is all scrunched up in concentration.  I still don’t say a word.

“Ash?” she says again, taking a deep breathe, and then she turns toward me, folding her legs beneath her.  I can’t see her face too well but I know that she’s not looking at me.  She never looks at me when it’s important.  “If you were going through something really important, you’d tell me about it right?” she asks, but then there’s a creak outside my bedroom door.  Spencer jumps and I just put a hand up to steady her.  

“This house is old Spence.  It creaks from time to time.” I say. She just laughs nervously.

“Right…”  She’s silent for a while so I decide to sit up too.  I face her. “Ashley,” she starts.  “I just can’t help but feel like you’re going through something right now.  And I just want you to let me in.  You’re my best friend and I hate that things are so weird between us.”

“I know,” I say softly.  “I hate it too.”

“And I can’t help but think that with me dating Chris now, we’ll just grow further apart than we already are.”

“I’m right here Spence.  Do you really think that some boy is going to run me away?” I say in disbelief.  “Wow. Thanks for having confidence in our friendship.” I say nastily and then I flip over, not looking at her.  I can’t help being angry with her.  I just love her so much.

“Ash, that is so not what I was saying.  I’m saying that I want to be closer with you.  You know…like we used to be,” she says leaning over my body and peaking at my face. I hide it beneath the covers.  “Ashley you’re being a big baby right now,” she adds and I just grunt.  “Oh my god!” she says throwing her hands into the air.  “You know what?  I give up.  I don’t know what I did that was so horrible to you Ash!  I have no idea!  So how do you expect me to make it better if you’re just gonna ignore me whenever I try and ask you bout it?”

I don’t answer.  I just pull the covers tighter around my body and pretend that I’m alone in the room.  It’s too hard to try and find the words.  Its too hard to think about what to tell her.  It’s not easy, you know?  Telling your best friend that you can’t let her in because you love her and she has a new boyfriend that you secretly want to murder.  

So what am I going to do?

 I’m going to hide beneath my bed sheets and hope that tomorrow we can go back to pretending that everything is okay.