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Morbid Tranfixion
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I love her….I love her and I hate her. I love her for smile, her eyes, her laughter. I love her for the things she used to whisper into my ear – declarations of love, promises of the future, confessions of lust. I love her when I think about how her fingers ministered to the needs of my body. I love her for the times when I could look at her and know that she was mine. But I hate her…I hate her because now…now when I look at her I question if she ever was mine. I hate her because of how much it hurts to stand here and listen to her beg for another chance. Everytime she tells me she loves me, I lie and pretend not to care…..that’s why I hate her…because she makes me break her heart.
"Bette?" She looks at me with such pain, "Bette, please…." Her eyes are full of tears, threatening to cascade down her soft cheeks.
"Tina, we’ve been through this…" I run my fingers through my hair in frustration, "don’t make me hurt your feelings. There was a time I would have done anything to be back with you, but too much time has gone by. Too many things have changed. I can’t allow myself to revisit those feelings I had for you. It’s just easier this way."
"How Bette? How is it easier? It’s easier to deny the way we feel about each other? Easier to see each other every day and pretend there’s nothing there?" I stare at her unrelenting in my decision. She knows me too well and she knows there’s no changing my mind. "You know why you can’t answer me? Because it’s not easier…it’s just safer. You’re such a coward, Bette"
She’s right it is safer and I am a coward. I reach out and touch her arm. Before I can stop myself I pull her body into mine and I just hold her there. On that sidewalk, outside that club, in that sea of people I hold her and hide my face in the curve of her neck. I feel her relax and her weight pushes against me. "I love you so much, Tina. I’ll always love you, but I can’t be with you again." She pulls away at my confession. I expect her to say something-protest, try to stop me. I want her to, but she doesn’t. She looks at me with the saddest expression I can ever remember seeing cross her face, "Well, then I pity you. Because from now on you’ll live with the regret that you had the chance to be with the love of your life but didn’t do it because you were too scared to love her. But I won’t. I’ll have regrets but at least I’ll know that I loved you more than I feared losing you."
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That was incredible. What Tina did was not cool but I can understand why she did it. She needed to feel wanted and wanted Bette to know that. That happened on the show in the form of Brenda. Bette reacted the same way in this story that she reacted in the show. She wanted her Ti back.
I can’t pass all the blame to Tina. Okay so letting someone else fuck her was like a dare to Bette. Bette took the dare and watched when she didn’t have to go in the first place. *shrugs* She could’ve, you know, not been a chickenshit from the start. So do we get more “University Blues” soon? XD
Powerful chapter. It is amazing what we are capable of doing to the ones we love out of desperation and fear. Their actions were in no way healthy, but for this particular B&T seemed to offer some sort of clarity. Thanks for posting.
whoa!!! then i’m with ‘lament’ bette didn’t have to watch and she got of on it…ssssoooooooo…it was an ugly scenario but we do some self-destructive things when we lose hope. glad u put them back 2 gether…yeah bring on the other story.
That was wow very uncomfortable to read but I believe as a writer here we should be able to have artistic freedom just as long as it isn’t crossing the line of unacceptable acts. Looking forward to University Blues.
That was a really powerful chapter, you tackled an uncomfortable issue really well and I love your writing!
Wow! *picks up my jaw from the floor and reads again* …Wow! This Tina reminds me of the one in season 3 – spiteful and vindictive. How Bette was able to watch the woman she loves being f*ed by someone else with full consent and being able to profess her love moments after is beyond me. The part where Bette remembers their daughter during the act truly touched me. The chapter as a whole is written very well and I commend you for writing such a bold storyline. You surely know how to stir up your reader’s emotions. Thank you for this.
It brought tears to my eyes, it was so intense and powerful chapter, great job, I like the way you write but when I started reading it I wasn’t so sure that I could continue but your style and storyline are really attractive and I couldn’t resist. Thank you so much, please post soon.
Very powerful, this seems to be Bette and Tina in desperation. Great writing!
WOW that was awesome and very powerful, and glad they are together at the end, happy for them. Thanks for this!